Chapter Twelve, in which I win a rabbit at the fair.

Every summer the county fair opened for a week. One whole week of carnival rides, games, rodeos, crash derbies, junk food, farm animals and the chance to run around it all without having to stay with an adult.

I went with Weirdo and his sister on the third day. Weirdo entered a project into a science competition, and the judging was done so we could see how he placed. I asked Weirdo what his project was. He told me some things are better seen that heard, and refused to tell me.

Uncle Jake drove us there in his RV. The county fair was always in a big field where no grass will grow because of the fair each summer. So the road leading to the fair and the entire parking lot was filled with pot holes that the RV bounced through. It bounced so hard all the cabinets opened up and all of Uncle Jake’s stuff came tumbling out.

“Oh come on guys!” Uncle Jake yelled over his shoulder. “I told you to hold those cabinets shut.”

“No you didn’t.”

“I told you using telekinesis, dope. You know that works, Weirdo. You’re a believer still, aren’t you?”

Weirdo looked ashamed and apologized to Uncle Jake.

A big dust cloud floated in the parking lot because of all the cars driving over bare dirt. We drove through the dust to the far end of the lot, which is where they made all the RV’s park. We got out of the RV and looked upon the sea of parked cars we had to walk through to get to the fair gates.

The dust clouds covered every car with dirt, making them all look the same. Weirdo suggested that we mark X’s in the dust on every car we pass, so it would mark a trail back to the RV in case we got lost.

Uncle Jake said it was a silly idea, because it’s so easy to locate the coolest RV in the lot. We all looked back to where the RV’s were parked. Uncle Jake spray-painted flames on the sides of his, and mounted three black flags above the windshield. One flag said “Rock,” the middle one said “n” and the last flag said “Roll.”

It wasn’t the coolest RV in the lot, but we all agreed that it was the easiest to find. So Weirdo stopped marking X’s on the cars and tried to wipe his dirty finger on me.

* * * * *

We finally made it inside the fair and Uncle Jake took off for a hot dog stand, leaving the three of us by ourselves. We were happy to be in a public place without an adult for the first time all summer.

Weirdo wanted our first stop to be the science building so we could see if he won a ribbon. We made our way past the crafts building and the farming building. Then we came by my favorite building, which was where all the local businesses set up booths and handed out all sorts of free stuff.

Weirdo waved his hand at that building and said how he would hit it up for stuff later in the day.

“Last year I filled two grocery bags with free stuff. I made a list that I memorized and still remember.”

I didn’t care to hear it.

“I had 16 key chains, 33 writing instruments, which are comprised of 14 pencils, 15 pens and box of four crayons: red, blue, yellow and green. I also got 2 rulers, 4 notepads, a frisbee, 9 peppermint candies and a ton of full color brochures.”

“Are you done?”

“No, those were just the highlights. I guess I can tell you the other stuff later.”

* * * * *

We came to the science building and Weirdo ran ahead of us to find his. When we found him he was standing looking at a red ribbon and shaking his head.

“Can you believe this? A red ribbon.”

“What’s wrong with red? You got a ribbon didn’t you?”

“Red is second place. I wanted the blue ribbon. I was sure that I’d win this year.”

Weirdo showed me his project. It was a white poster board covered with pictures, arrows and paragraphs describing how a light bulb works. He did a good job on it.

He led us to the exhibit that won the blue ribbon. It was a huge display of Happy Meal toys. Weirdo pointed at it and wrinkled his brow.

“Every Happy Meal toy since 1984. Each one accompanied by commentary, date of release and the day he ate the Happy Meal. I guess if I have to lose to something, I’d want to lose to this. This is amazing.”

Weirdo shook it off and we went outside to play some carnival games. We ran into Uncle Jake who pulled us aside.

“Listen guys. One of these carnies lost a finger and it ended up in my hot dog bun.”

Weirdo’s sister gagged a little.

“Keep your eyes peeled for a carnie missing a finger. If you find him tell him that you know who has his finger.”

We silently nodded our heads. I hoped we would not come across any one fingered carnies. I knew that most of them were missing teeth, hair and perhaps a few marbles, but I don’t think I ever saw one with missing body parts before.

Weirdo’s sister suddenly squealed and pointed to one of the game tents. She led us to a small animal pen with a low wooden fence around it. Inside the fence were about twenty white rabbits hopping around. There were kids trying to throw hoops around the rabbits.

Weirdo’s sister handed over her tickets to the carnie lady and asked how to play.

“You throw one of them there rings round a rabbit and you take the cotton pickin’ thing home with you.”

Weirdo and I handed over tickets to play also. We stood around the pen tossing rings at the rabbits. Weirdo and his sister missed every time, but on my last throw I ringed a rabbit.

The carnie lady reached in and pulled the rabbit out by the skin on the back of its neck. She tossed it in a big cardboard box and handed it to me.

“Water this thing a few times a day and give it rabbit food when it’s hungry.”

“How do I know when it’s hungry?”

“When you hear its stomach growl, Einstein.”

Weirdo’s sister squealed and said, “You won!” about fifty times. I picked the rabbit up out of the box and looked at it. It was pretty cute, and soft to pet. Then I thought about my parents.

“Oh no. I can’t keep this rabbit. My parents would never let me keep it.”

I asked the carnie lady if I could give the rabbit back because my parents wouldn’t let me have it.

“You should’a thought of that before you threw a ring round its neck. You win it, you keep it. Er, uh, what you kids call it? Oh yeah, no tag backs.”

The lady laughed and showed us her crooked brown teeth. We walked away from the game tent with my new rabbit. I knew Weirdo’s sister wanted to win a rabbit real badly, so I offered it to her.

“Are you serious? I can keep him? Oh thank you!”

She picked it up and held its nose to her nose.

“Oh my god! He has little brown spots on its nose, how cute! I think I’ll name him Speckles.”

She carried the rabbit in her arms and pet it while I carried the empty box. Weirdo wanted to go on some rides so we headed towards them. We got in the line for the Tilt-a-Whirl, which was our favorite.

* * * * *

The carnie who was taking tickets for the ride found a reason to not let most kids ride.

“You, you’re too short. You’ll fly out and get killed. You, you’re too fat. You need two tickets. Do you have two tickets? No? Then get out of line. You, you’re too tall. You could get your head chopped off.”

I felt bad for all the kids who didn’t get to ride, but at least the line moved a lot faster. We wondered if the carnie would find any reason for not letting us ride. When we got the front of the line he looked us over.

“What’s that you have there?”

“He’s a bunny.”

“You can’t carry a rodent on this ride. It could fly out of your arms and get stuck in the gears.”

“Oh please, let me on with him. I’ll hold on really tight.”

“Girl, I lost my patience three hours ago. If you ask me one more time to let that thing on the ride, I’m going to take it and throw it back in the pen you won it from. You got it? Now get out of line.”

We walked away from the ride with our heads low. Weirdo and his sister began to argue.

“I’m not gonna miss all my fun just because of your new pet.”

“You heard what the man said. He was going to take my rabbit away.”

“Then don’t go on the ride. Just sit on the bench while we go.”

“No, you can’t leave me alone. You know that Mom said we have to stick together.”

Weirdo put his hands on his hips and sighed.

“I guess I’ll just have to wait for tomorrow to ride it.”

He kicked at some dirt on the ground and stuck his tongue out at the rabbit. I had an idea.

“Hey, why don’t we just put the rabbit in the box and hide it around the corner so nobody will take it?”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. Then my sister won’t have to act like a baby who’s scared to leave her teddy bear.”

Weirdo’s sister made a face at him then reluctantly agreed to hide the rabbit in the box somewhere out of sight. We put the box behind a ticket booth that was nearby and out of the way. Nobody would walk behind there, so it seemed like a safe place.

We got back in line for the Tilt-a-Whirl and listened to the carnie yell out the reasons why most the kids couldn’t ride.

“You, you look too scared. I don’t want to clean up your puke, so you can’t ride.”

We came to the front of the line and he shut the gate. The ride was full and we would have to wait for the next turn. I looked at the carnie and noticed something. I tapped Weirdo on the shoulder.

“Look at the guy’s hand.”

“Only four fingers?”

“Yeah.”

We looked at each other. Then Weirdo got the carnie’s attention.

“Hey mister, I know who has your finger.”

One of the carnie’s eyebrows went really high, and the other went low as he looked at Weirdo.

“What’d you say? You playin’ a joke on me?”

“No. I know who has your finger. I do.”

“Kid, that’s stupid talk. I know exactly where my finger is.”

He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded up handkerchief. We stepped back quickly and stared at the handkerchief. Did he really have his finger in his back pocket? I didn’t want to see it.

The carnie shook out the handkerchief and blew his nose.

“After it got cutted off, I donated it to sci-ence.”

He said science like it was two words. I guess it sounded more special that way. We were relieved that he was not going to show us his severed finger. Weirdo scratched his head.

“I’m sorry, mister. I had you confused with someone else.”

The carnie stopped the ride and told everybody on it to get the hell off. Then he opened the gate for us to get on. I gave him my ticket, and then Weirdo and his sister handed over their tickets. We climbed the steps and got on the ride.

Other kids handed over their tickets and scrambled around finding open seats. The carnie closed the gate and Weirdo shouted to him.

“Hey, do you know anybody else around here missing a finger?”

“Yeah! You will be if you don’t keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times!”

With that he pressed a button and the ride spun us around so terribly that we all wished we hadn’t gotten on the ride at all. But when the ride was over we ran back in line for one more ride.

* * * * *

After our second ride was finished we went over to where we left Speckles. The box was still there, but the rabbit was not. Weirdo’s sister burst into tears. Weirdo put his arm around her.

“It’s okay sis. It was just meant to be. A rabbit is much happier hopping around a carnival eating garbage and getting chased by hungry carnies.”

She cried harder. I asked her if a funnel cake would make her feel better. She cried no and ran over to an empty porta-potty and locked herself in. Weirdo and I shrugged our shoulders and bought two funnel cakes.

We sat down to eat them at a picnic table nearby. My funnel cake was covered with chocolate syrup, and Weirdo ordered his with cinnamon and sugar. We were halfway done with them when I noticed an empty box nearby. I could see two white ears poking out the top. I pointed it out to Weirdo. Weirdo tried to talk with his mouth full.

“Whoth ith it?”

“I don’t know, but swallow your food before you talk. You just spit funnel cake on my cheek.”

“Thorry.”

We watched the box for a long time to see if anybody was coming back for it. Finally we decided that somebody must have left it there because they didn’t want it. I walked over to it and picked the rabbit up. It wasn’t Speckles, because there were no brown spots on its nose.

“Watch this.”

Weirdo wiped some cinnamon off the funnel cake with his finger and tapped the rabbit on the nose. It sneezed like crazy. But when it was done there was still some cinnamon left and it looked like the brown spots on Speckles.

Weirdo’s sister came running up.

“You found him! Oh thank you, oh thank you!”

She took the rabbit from me and hugged it. Then she kissed it on the nose and all the cinnamon came off. Weirdo and I held our breath.

“Oh my god, that was the sweetest little rabbit kiss ever. Oh, would you look at that! I kissed the speckles right off him. That is so cute!”

Weirdo’s sister was happy again and we decided that was enough excitement for one day at the fair. Anyway, it was time to meet Uncle Jake back at his RV. As we were walking away I heard a little boy crying. I trailed behind Wierdo and his sister to see what the boy was crying about.

“I left Hopsy right here in his box. Daddy, Hopsy is missing!”

I felt awful. I stole a little boy’s pet rabbit. Who could do such a thing? I had to console myself by telling myself that the little boy might find the real Speckles hopping around somewhere. Besides, I reasoned, the little kid would have probably killed the rabbit in a week by not taking proper care of it. Then he’d be really heartbroken. So in the end, I guess I helped him out. At least that’s what I convinced myself of.

I ran to catch up with the others and decided that I wouldn’t tell Weirdo about the little kid. I didn’t want Weirdo getting weird about it.

* * * * *

We finally made it through the dust clouds to Uncle Jake’s RV. He was sitting on the dusty hood with some girl he met inside the fair. It turned out she was a carnie, but she had all her fingers and teeth.

Uncle Jake kissed her on the cheek and she handed him a little piece of paper before running off towards the fair. We all got in the RV and headed home.

When we got to Weirdo’s house his sister ran inside to show their parents the rabbit. We stayed outside and played basketball with Uncle Jake, which was never fun, but it was something to do. Five minutes later Weirdo’s sister came out crying and squeezing the rabbit.

“They said I can’t keep him.”

She held the rabbit out to Uncle Jake.

“Can you keep him in your RV? I promise that I’ll feed him and take him for walks. All you have to do is make a space for him.”

“Are you kidding? What would my girlfriend think if I had a rabbit living in my pad?”

Weirdo asked if that carnie girl he met was already his girlfriend.

“No, but I don’t need to ruin my chances with her by rooming with a wild animal.”

“But we can’t bring him back to the fair because the carnies at the game won’t take him back. I can’t just let him go wild, some dog will kill him. What are we going to do?”

She sat and soaked the back of her rabbit with tears. Weirdo was coming up with all sorts of ideas for what to do with the rabbit.

“We could donate it to a farm, or we could send it to poor kids in Africa as a pet. Oh, I know! We could cut its feet off for lucky rabbit feet.”

Weirdo’s sister cried harder. I wondered if there was a way we could find that little kid at the fair who we took it from. Then I had a great idea.

“Hey guys, remember the carnie at the Tilt-a-Whirl? He said if we tried to get on the ride with the rabbit he was going to throw it back in the pen.”

Weirdo’s sister’s eyes lit up.

“Yeah! That would make me feel so much better.”

* * * * *

Uncle Jake let the rabbit stay in his RV for one night, since he didn’t plan on having any chicks over that night. The next day we all rode in the RV to the fair again.

We bought a few tickets for rides and went directly to the Tilt-a-Whirl. The same one-fingered carnie was there again, yelling at everybody and making up reasons for why they couldn’t ride. When it was our turn he looked at us and shook his head back and forth with a frown.

“What did I tell you kids? Tryin’ to take a rabbit on my ride two days in a row! What, are you stupid?”

He grabbed the rabbit from us and marched over to the pen where the other rabbits were. He threw the rabbit in. It landed on its feet but it rolled with the momentum a couple times. Weirdo’s sister flinched when she saw that, but the rabbit seemed to be fine from where we were standing. My plan had worked.

The carnie came back and looked us over, looking for a reason why we couldn’t ride. He must have figured the loss of the rabbit was punishment enough so he let us on. When the ride was over Weirdo’s sister thanked me.

We exited the ride and Weirdo wanted to go get his light bulb project to take home. We walked to the science building and down the row where his exhibit was. Instead of a red ribbon, there was now a blue ribbon on the corner of his project.

“Wow, a blue ribbon! I can’t believe it. The judges must have changed their mind! I knew it was a winner.”

We walked over to where the Happy Meal toy exhibit was and noticed there was no ribbon at all on it. Instead there was a paper taped to the bottom of it. Weirdo picked it up and read it.

“Upon further inspection of this exhibit the judges discovered that many of the Happy Meal purchase dates where falsified, and that many of the toys were purchased at garage sales. Therefore this entry is disqualified from judging.”

Weirdo shook his head slowly.

“I knew it was too good to be true. How could a kid have collected every toy from every series? I get the same darn toy every time I go.”

Weirdo took the blue ribbon from his light bulb exhibit and pinned it to his shirt. We started walking out of the fair towards the parking lot. Weirdo’s sister frowned as we walked.

“I’m glad that Speckles is safe and someone may win him to take home, but I’m still sad that I don’t get to keep him. I wish I didn’t have to give him back.”

* * * * *

I thought about the little boy and his rabbit. I still felt horrible, especially since Weirdo’s sister didn’t even get to keep it. The thought of telling her that it wasn’t really Speckles that I found occurred to me. I decided to pose a question to her.

“What would make you feel worse, having Speckles for a day and then give him back, or never finding him at all after you lost him?”

She stopped walking and thought about it for a minute.

“I guess I’m glad that I got to keep him for one night. Because if you never found him last night I would have been a wreck for weeks!”

That was the answer I hoped for. I never wanted to tell anybody that I stole a rabbit from a little boy.

We passed out of the fair into the parking lot and I heard a man talking to his son.

“See, Benny? I told you we could come back today and win another one.”

I turned around and saw the little boy from the day before with a big cardboard box and a huge grin.

“Yeah, and he even looks just like Hopsy did.”

I couldn’t believe it. Happy endings never happen that perfectly. I was about to whisper what happened to Weirdo when we heard a woman yelling behind us. We turned and saw Uncle Jake trying to block punches from the carnie girl he kissed the day before.

“You lying creep! I can’t believe you! Don’t even think about calling me!”

She tried hitting him more as he ran towards us.

“Go! Run away! She’s coming! C’mon, let’s go!”

We turned and ran with Uncle Jake to the RV. I looked over my shoulder and saw the carnie girl chasing us. We jumped in the RV and locked the doors. Uncle Jake started it up and peeled away. The carnie girl stood in the middle of the parking lot shaking her fist and yelling things we couldn’t hear.

“Uncle Jake, what happened?”

Uncle Jake shook his head and wouldn’t say a word. Weirdo asked again.

“What the heck did you do to make her so mad?”

Again, Uncle Jake shook his head quietly. At the next stop sign he turned around and faced us.

“Kids, never trust a carnie.”

I never have since.

Chapter Eleven, in which Fatso makes a funny

One day on the bus I asked why Weirdo was in fifth grade and not fourth grade like me, since we were the same age.

"I thought you would ask me that someday. I guess you're ready for the truth."

I rolled my eyes.

"My parents and the principal decided that I should skip second grade because they thought it would be too boring for me."

"Second grade was boring for me, and I didn't get to skip it."

"Yeah, but my boredom is on account of my superior brain."

I was about to tell Weirdo that that must be the reason why his head is so huge, but I was interrupted by an ugly, freckled face.

"I knew that's why you can't do any pull-ups in PE."

It was Mike, the bus bully.

"You're such a dweeb that nobody even knows your real name... Weirdo!"

"That's because you can't handle my real name."

"What? That's stupid. I bet it's a girl's name. C'mon, tell it to me."

"Fine. What's your name."

"You know my name, doofus. What's your name?"

"I told you. What's your name."

"I'm asking you!"

"And I'm telling you. What's your name."

"What's your name?"

"No, that's my name."

"Quit being weird or I'll give you a Charlie horse."

There are five ways of hurting another kid that don't count as picking a fight. They are: the Charlie Horse, the Noogie, the Wedgie, the Indian Rug Burn and the Corkscrew. You can use them on another kid, and the worst that will happen is they will use one back on you. But an actual fight never results until someone gets shoved.

Facing a possible charlie horse, and the litany of torture that could follow, Weirdo bravely spoke in a funny accent.

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father. Prepare to die."

Mike scratched his head and looked out the corner of his eye. Then he shook his head and punched Weirdo hard in the shoulder. I winced and Weirdo cowered. Mike was looking proud of his achievement when we heard a strange, high voice nobody had ever heard before. I thought for a moment it could have been Mickey Mouse.

"Leave him alone!"

We all turned around to find the fattest kid on the bus (and in the school) had spoken for the first time that anybody could remember. We stared with wide eyes at the kid who was so fat that one butt cheek touched the side wall of the bus, and the other hung over into the aisle.

"You are a big bully and you should not pick on other kids."

Not only was he speaking, but his first words were used to stand up to a bully, something most of us wouldn't even do with our last words. Mike was delighted. He stood up and moved into the aisle.

"Ha, not only are you fat, but you have an old lady's voice too!"

Fatso crossed his chubby arms over his large stomach and squinted his eyes at Mike.

"Do you want a Noogie."

Fatso pursed his lips and said, "You can't keep picking on us like this."

He was inspiring us all, despite that Mike was already in position and rubbing his knuckles hard into Fatso's skull. Even though I was not involved yet, I knew that I was next in line simply because I was nearby, which meant that I would be getting either the Wedgie, the Indian Rug Burn or the Corkscrew. I decided to attack first.

While Mike was busy with the Noogie I stepped into the aisle and kicked him hard in the shin. He fell to his knees holding his leg and whimpered. I had not used one of the fair implements of torture. A kick was a fight starter. I just picked a fight with the bus bully! My face got hot and I felt real dizzy. I told myself, whatever happens try not to cry.

Suddenly the bus stopped and the driver called out, "Mike, your stop."

Mike glared at me and pushed by to exit the bus. I sat down among Weirdo and Fatso's congratulations for picking a fight with a bully and walking away unharmed.

Weirdo turned to Fatso and studied him. He said jokingly, "You have some explaining to do."

Fatso was happy to speak.

"I've decided to turn over a new leaf. My dad is reading a book on assertiveness training and he's teaching me what he learns. He and I are going to help each other lose weight and start making friends. So he said that I have to start getting out of the house and make friends at school to help divert my attention from food and tv."

Weirdo and I agreed that he could be our friend.

"And my dad is trying to teach me how to be funny. Watch this and tell me if it's funny."

Fatso pretended to take his nose off and eat it. Then he pretended to spit it back out and put it back on his face.

"Was that funny?"

We shook our heads no, then asked Fatso if he wanted to come over to Weirdo's house after school and play basketball. It turned out that he did not live far from us and he could walk over without getting too out of breath.

* * * * *

That afternoon Weirdo and I waited for Fatso to come over. We saw his huge figure waddling down the street. He was wearing red, white and blue sweatbands around his head and wrists, but he still had on the button-up shirt and jeans he wore to school that day. Fatso never played basketball before, so we told him the rules and said that he could just stand by the basket and try to stop us from doing layups.

Weirdo and I dribbled the ball around him while Fatso kept trying to tell jokes. He could never get it right though.

"There was this guy who needed a job, so he got one at the zoo pretending to be a lion. But when the gorilla got in his cage... wait a second, the guy was pretending to be a gorilla and the lion got in his cage... no, wait. He accidentally got in the lion's cage and... ummm."

We kept telling him that he wasn't funny yet, but encouraged him to keep trying.

After a few minutes we noticed Mike riding his bike down the street towards us. When he came closer we saw he had a sandwich bag filled with gravel. As he passed by the driveway he flung the bag open and sprayed us with the rocks.

We tried to act like we didn't notice, but Weirdo had a rock stuck in his ear that I had to help him get out. Mike came riding back up the street again and whipped another bag of gravel at us. One rock hit me in the teeth and Fatso got hit in the forehead with a couple. Weirdo didn't get hit that time because he hid behind Fatso.

Mike threw several more bags of rocks at us in the same way. We decided that he wasn't going to stop any time soon, so we needed to do something. We discussed things we could do to make him stop. Weirdo said we could build a giant shield out of old milk jugs, and Fatso suggested that we use our positive thoughts to guard us from the rocks. We hadn't finalized our plan when Mike returned again.

I quickly picked up a rock the size of a Silly Putty egg and threw it at Mike as he rode by. The rock hit him directly at the top of his forehead. The blow stunned him and the handlebars on his bike wobbled crazily. His balance was lost and he crashed into the muddy ditch on the other side of the street.

Mike slowly got to his feet. He was covered in mud, which we laughed at hysterically. Then we saw a stream of dark, red blood running down his face. We stopped laughing and watched silently as Mike felt at his bloody forehead and started balling. He got on his bike and rode home, leaving dots of blood and mud on the road behind him.

We didn't know whether to be proud and happy, or terrified. I was feeling sick to my stomach, but felt better when when Weirdo patted my shoulder and told me I had incredible aim.

* * * * *

We played basketball for about ten more minutes. Fatso kept us from the basket every time. He was so big that we couldn't get near the hoop, and every time he knocked the ball away from us he called out in his high voice, "Not on my turf!" We decided to play something else.

"Weirdo, I hope you didn't mind me calling this my turf. I know it's your driveway."

"Hey, no problem. Whatever keeps you out of the cupboard is cool with me."

We were making our way to Weirdo's front door when a car screeched into the driveway. First we saw a lady in a bathrobe jump out of the car, then we saw Mike sitting in the passenger seat with a bloody rag on his head and looking as sad as could be.

"Go get your parents, you rotten bullies!"

We all looked at each other, not sure what to do. Weirdo's dad must have heard the car pull up, because he came outside asked the lady what was wrong.

"These kids are wrong, that's what! And your parenting skills are probably all wrong too! Who taught these kids to throw rocks at innocent children riding their bicycles?"

Weirdo's dad looked us over. He took a long time looking Fatso over.

"Is this true, kids? Did you throw a rock at that poor boy?"

"Why are you asking them? Isn't the evidence sitting right there in my car? Look at my poor son. Who's going to pay the doctor to stitch up that gash?"

I must have been looking the guiltiest. After all, I felt like I was about to pass out or throw up. Weirdo's dad wrinkled his forehead and put his hand firm on my shoulder.

"You have some explaining to do."

Weirdo and his dad were always saying the same things.

I didn't know what to say. I had thrown a rock that hit Mike in the head. I couldn't deny it. I was looking to Weirdo and Fatso for help, but they looked as sick to the stomach as I did.

I decided to just open up my mouth to see what came out first, a horrible excuse or a load of puke. Before I could let anything out, we heard loud footsteps walking up the driveway from the street.

A huge man, with arms the size of Weirdo's entire dad, was walking straight at me with a mean stare. Oh no, I thought, is this Mike's dad? I thought about telling Weirdo that he could have my boombox if I died.

The man walked right up to me and demanded, "Are you the one who threw that rock?"

My head nodded up and down a little. This was surely the end of my life. Then the man walked behind Fatso and put his hands on his shoulders.

"Do you think you can teach my son to throw like that?"

Everybody's eyes popped wide open and stared at the man, except for Fatso who patted the man's hand and said to him, "I learned how to play basketball today, dad."

Mike's mom threw her arms into the air.

"Somebody had better start writing me a check for my son's poor head. And I'll get the police involved if you keep condoning this kid's behavior."

Fatso's dad stepped forward and looked down his big belly at her. His voice boomed.

"Woman, you get in that car of yours and drive that no good excuse of a son home. I saw the whole thing from my front porch and was about to take care of that jerk myself until this fine young man," he patted my head, "exercised his precision aim in a brave act of self defense."

Mike's mom turned bright red in the face. She walked backwards to her car waving her finger at Fatso's dad.

"Nobody calls my son a jerk but me!"

She got into the car and slammed the door shut. She whacked Mike on the arm and said stuff we couldn't hear as she pulled away. Mike wouldn't look at us the entire time.

Fatso tried another joke, but gave up before the punchline.

* * * * *

The next day on the bus ride home Mike sat by his self at the front of the bus with a bandage on his forehead. Everybody kept asking him what happened. Each time he acted real cool and said that he went hunting with his cousin and a stray bullet grazed him. When Weirdo bravely asked him what happened he just turned away and frowned.

We sat several seats behind Mike, and Fatso sat behind us. Almost the whole bus ride we discussed what happened the day before. We decided that we wouldn't tell anybody else the truth about Mike's head, but we weren't sure if we should still be afraid of him anymore.

We pulled up to Mike's stop, and Fatso decided to test the waters. As Mike was exiting the bus, Fatso called out to him in his cartoon voice and to the tune of nanny nanny boo boo.

"My dad yelled at your mom."

Mike stopped for a moment, but didn't look back at us. He just scrunched his face up and got off the bus.

Weirdo and I looked at each other, then at Fatso as we both said, "Now that's funny."

Chapter Ten, in which Weirdo gets a mouthful

Weirdo’s family pulled in front of my house and honked the horn. Weirdo ran up to my house and rang the doorbell. All this even though I was sitting in a lawn chair in the driveway.

When Weirdo finally saw me he said, “Didn’t you hear me ringing the doorbell?”

“No, because I was right here the whole time.”

“Well you make people wait. We have to get to the beach before it gets too crowded. Did you go toity?”

“Yes, Daddy.”

“Did you get any on you?”

“Shut up.”

Weirdo spit at me and got me in the leg. He laughed and said, “Oops, I got some toity on you!”

We got in the car and I told on him. His mom said, “Oh, a little spittle never hurt anybody.”

His sister chirped in, “At least he just got it on your leg and not all over the seat like you did when you couldn’t find the opening of the toity jar.”

Everybody laughed, except me. I wanted to get them all back somehow for this. I decided I would just get Weirdo back for now. I knew it was going to be a long ride, so I stopped swallowing and saved all my spit.

I just sat there quietly the whole ride. While they were all singing about how Jesus is the rock that never rolls, or something like that, my cheeks were growing larger. My throat was getting dry, but this would be worth it.

Finally we reached the beach. Everybody got out of the car and I met Weirdo face to face.

“What are you doing?” he demanded.

Kaplooey! I spewed an hour’s worth of spit onto Weirdo’s bare chest. I didn’t realize my cheeks could hold so much. The spit covered his entire upper chest and ran down to his belly and into his shorts.

Weirdo stood there in shock. He looked up at me with eyes that said ‘what did I ever do to you?’ Then he screamed like a little girl and ran for the water.

* * * * *

We had a great time swimming. After Weirdo washed all the spit off he acted like he forgot about the whole thing. It started getting late so we dried off and got back in the car.

Weirdo was extremely quiet on the way home. Even when the rest of them were singing he didn’t yell NO like he usually does when the devil threatens to blow out the little light of his.

I began to notice his cheeks getting bigger. Then I knew what he was up to. I watched him nervously, and he sat there looking straight ahead. Those cheeks were getting bigger and bigger.

We were almost home and I was very worried. I knew what would be coming as soon as we got out of the car. And I wouldn’t have the luxury of jumping in the lake to wash off like he did.

His dad rounded the corner to our neighborhood. In just a few moments I would be drowning in Weirdo’s spit. He had much more cheek space than I did.

We came to Weirdo’s house. I was ready to make a run for it before the car even stopped moving. But his dad turned too sharply into the driveway and the tires on the right side ran off the road and up into the driveway. The car bounced hard, causing Weirdo to choke on some of his spit. I saw his cheeks clench. His eyes looked very worried. Weirdo held his hand to his mouth, but it was too late. He couldn’t hold it any longer.

A gallon of spit gushed forward from Weirdo’s mouth onto the back of the front seat, the back of his mom and dad’s head and all down his own chest into his lap. His sister and I burst into laughter. His dad turned around and yelled, “What in spit’s name?”

Even though there was no danger of getting caught in Weirdo’s spit storm anymore, I still got out of the car quickly and rushed home. At least I was dry.

Chapter Nine, in which I learn what a BM is

Weirdo and I were walking through the woodsy area that separated our neighborhoods. Kids would sometimes hang out there after school. On this day we were the only ones there.

We were about to climb a tree when Weirdo started groaning.

“What’s wrong?”

“Ohhh, I have to do a BM.”

“A what? What’s a BM?”

“You know, a BM. Not a toity, but a…”

“Why do you call it a BM?”

“Because poop sounds stupid. Oh man, I have to go bad.”

“So go home and do it.”

“No, I can’t. It’s coming now.”

“We’re in the woods, just go behind that tree.”

“No, I can’t. Last time I tried going behind a tree it landed on ankle and I didn’t know till I got home and my mom smelled it.”

There was a white bucket laying near some garbage. I grabbed it and took the lid off, it was empty.

“Here, use this then. It’s like a toilet.”

“Okay, that will work.”

Weirdo took the bucket behind a tree and sat on it. He groaned for a long time.

“What’s taking you so long?”

“It’s prairie dogging.”

“What?”

“You know how a prairie dog pops his head in and out of its hole?”

“Oh man, you’re sick. Just finish and call me when you’re done.”

After a few minutes Weirdo called out to me that he was done and that now he needed something to wipe with. I suggested he grab some leaves.

“Oh no, oh no. Just my luck I’ll get some poison ivy. Leaves of green, let it be. Everything around here is green.”

“No, that’s leaves of three, let it be.”

“That’s not what Uncle Jake says. Please run to my house and get some toilet paper for me. But don’t tell my parents I’m doing a BM out here.”

I unwillingly agreed and ran to his house and up to the bathroom. There was no toilet paper on the roll. I checked under the sink, nothing. I checked in the linen closet, nothing.

I ran back to where Weirdo was sitting on the bucket and humming.

“I couldn’t find any.”

“What do you mean you couldn’t find any? There’s a ton of it in the bath tub. Why didn’t you look there?”

I ran back to his house, up to the bathroom and pulled back the shower curtain. Uncle Jake was asleep in the bathtub. The water was filled all the way and all his clothes were still on. The toilet paper was soaked. So I grabbed a newspaper off the table on the way out.

Weirdo was still humming the same song when I returned.

“Your Uncle Jake was in the bathtub with his clothes on and the paper was all wet.”

“Yeah, he usually does that when he has a concert the night before. He says he needs to cool off from being smoking hot all night.”

“I brought you a newspaper though.”

“Oh, not today’s newspaper! My dad hasn’t read it yet.”

“I’m not getting anything else. Use it or nothing at all.”

Weirdo took it and muttered to himself as he prepared to wipe. “I guess I can use the comics. Mom usually throws them out anyway, on account of it being inappropriate humor.”

He finished up and we put the lid back on the bucket. We were about to throw the bucket deeper into the woods when we heard a voice.

“What are you losers doing?”

It was Blake, the biggest jerk in the neighborhood.

“What’s in the bucket?”

Weirdo and I looked at each other. We both said, “Nothing.”

“Come on freaks, show me what’s in the bucket or I'll tell everybody you two were making out.”

I took the bucket from Weirdo and walked it over to where Blake was leaning back against a tree. I backed far away from him after delivering the bucket.

Blake tore the lid off the bucket and looked inside. “What, just a bunch of newspaper comics?” He reached in and grabbed a handfull of newspaper and pulled it out. His face went pale.

The bucket dropped and Blake stepped backward into the tree and knocked himself forward. He tripped and put his hands out to break the fall. His right hand went right into the bucket.

Blake screamed. We ran.

* * * * *

When we were far enough away we stopped and laughed between breaths.

Weirdo held his hand out under my nose. “Smell my hand.”

I took a whiff. “Ohhh, that’s gross. It smells like poop.”

“I thought it might. The newspaper slipped when I was wiping.”

“Then why did you have me smell it?”

“I wanted to know if it smelled?”

“Of course it does. Why didn’t you smell it yourself?”

“What, you think I’m going to smell my own hand after wiping up a BM? That’s sick.”

Chapter Eight, in which I learn that monkeys have uncles

Almost everyday on the bus ride home from school we saw a man riding his bicycle down the street. Even on warm days he wore a stocking cap, thick jacket, pants, boots, gloves, scarf, a fleece band over his ears and big dark sunglasses.

Everybody, including me, would make fun of him. Weirdo, on the other hand, always said that we shouldn’t make fun of him. One day I asked him why not.

“Because I don’t think it’s a very nice thing to do.”

It seemed so strange to me that someone wouldn’t want to make fun of that guy. Even if he didn’t dress like an Eskimo, his bike had crazy stickers and flags all over it. There were streamers coming out the ends of the handlebars and two big baskets on each side of the back tire, usually filled with flattened soda cans.

“Oh come on, Weirdo. That guy is a nut. What’s wrong with saying so?”

“I just don’t think it’s a very nice thing to do.”

* * * * *

One evening I walked to Weirdo’s house and saw a very familiar bicycle parked outside his house. There were stickers and flags all over it, and two big baskets on the back tire.

I rang Weirdo’s doorbell and he let me inside.

“Come on. My Uncle Luis is here. You have to meet him.”

I was just about to ask Weirdo why that crazy guy’s bike was parked out front when we walked into the living room and I saw him sitting on the couch. Weirdo’s parents were there too, and his mom said to me, “Have you met Weirdo’s Uncle Luis yet?”

I quietly said no. I couldn’t believe this was Weirdo’s uncle. There sat the crazy man with the bike. Even though we were inside, and it was seventy-seven degrees outside, he still wore all his winter clothes. The only thing that he took off was his sunglasses. His eyes and the skin around his eyes was all red. He leaned forward and shook my hand with his big gloved hand.

“So Weirdo was just telling us how you and all the other boys on the bus make fun of me each day.”

I looked at Weirdo. Weirdo nodded his head up and down cheerily.

“Yeah, tell my Unlce Luis some of the things you all call him. He’ll laugh. He really thinks it’s funny.”

Everybody giggled and laughed quietly. My face felt hot and I started feeling dizzy. I sat down in a chair across the room and tried to disappear. Everybody stared at me. I tried deflect the attention by pointing at Weirdo’s dad and saying, “Weirdo says that he is missing brains.”

The room became very quiet. Weirdo’s dad sighed.

“Actually, yes, I am missing some brains. I had a tumor many years ago and the doctors had to remove some of my brain to get it out.”

Weirdo’s mom shifted in her seat and said, “That’s right, and it’s not something we talk about lightly. It was a very scary time in our family and I’m sure that Weirdo told you because he thought he could trust you not to make a joke out of it.”

Now I really wanted to disappear. I got up and left. Weirdo met me outside and me how I liked his Uncle Luis.

“Why didn’t you tell me that was your uncle?”

“What difference would that make?”

“Well, I wouldn’t have made fun of him if I knew he was your uncle.”

“My dad always says, ‘Even monkeys have uncles.’”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you never know who you're making fun of. So you shouldn’t do it at all.”

"And monkeys have uncles?"

“Sure. But only on their mom’s side. Because monkeys don’t get married like we do.”

“But my cousin Benny is an only child. He won’t ever be an uncle.”

Weirdo scratched his head for a moment.

“Hold on. Let me go ask my dad about that one.”

Weirdo came back a minute later nodding his head.

“Yeah. My dad says it’s okay to make fun of your cousin Benny.”

It made me feel better, so I told Weirdo that my cousin Benny had three nipples.

Chapter Seven, in which we go camping.

I was invited to go with Weirdo’s family on one of their camping trips. Weirdo always talked about how much fun they have camping, so I figured there was no reason to miss out.

We got to the campsite late and the first thing we did was unpack our swimsuits and beach towels to have a quick dip, but it was too dark and we couldn't find the swimming pond.

We laid our towels across the picnic table and set up our tents in the dark. Weirdo and I shared a tent, his sister got her own and his parents shared one. Our tent leaned to one side really bad, probably because it was on the side of a little hill and we had one pole left that we didn’t know what to do with.

The ground was really hard and rocky. Plus, the slope we were on was so steep that if you moved a muscle your sleeping bag would slide downhill in the tent. I was sleeping downhill from Weirdo. He tosses and turns so much that he kept sliding into me and we both ended up crammed against the side.

In the middle of the night, I woke up. My sleeping bag was soaked and it smelled like pee. I felt Weirdo’s sleeping bag. It was soaked too. I was so confused about who peed. Did we both pee, or did he pee a big gigantic river and let it run downhill to me?

Either way I had to get out of there. I pulled my dripping wet sleeping bag from the tent and brought it down to the creek that ran through the campground. When I got there I took off my wet clothes and put them in the creek with my sleeping bag to rinse out all the pee.

I heard someone cough nearby. I thought I was alone. I hoped I was, because I was naked. I hid behind a tree and looked out from behind it.

Weirdo’s sister was walking near the creek. She was smoking a cigarette. I was so shocked that I stepped out and said, “You’re smoking!”

She gasped and said, “You’re naked!”

I jumped back behind the tree. “You can’t smoke. You’re just a kid."

"I'm older than you. So just mind your own business."

"Is that why you’re teeth are yellow?”

"They are not yellow," she hissed. Then she softened and asked, "are they?"

I was about to tell her just how yellow when there was a rustle in the brush nearby and a low growl. We ran back the campsite. I quickly grabbed one of the beach towels on the picnic table to cover up with.

“Where are your clothes?”

“Oh man, I forgot them in the creek with my sleeping bag.” I noticed something bright coming from the front of the sun dress she had on. “Where is your cigarette?”

“I threw it down by the creek. Why?”

“I think it went in your pocket.”

The front of her dress had a small flame growing at the front. She gasped and tore it off.

I saw her naked.

She grabbed a towel of her own and stomped the fire out and threw the burnt dress behind her tent.

We heard Weirdo coming out of his tent. He didn’t see us and was talking to himself. “Man oh man, one of us sure peed a gallon and a half.”

He took his clothes off and threw them behind our tent along with his sleeping bag. He turned around and saw us. He yelped and grabbed a towel from the picnic table.

We heard a zipper, and out stepped their dad.

“What are you all doing?” We thought we were in trouble deep. “It’s way too late to be going swimming. It's..." he looked at his bare wrist where his watch was before he took it off for the night. "It's too late. Everybody back in your tents.” He disappeared into his tent and zipped it closed.

The three of us stood staring at each other. Weirdo’s sister said, “How about we all just keep our mouths shut about what happened tonight.”

Weirdo said, "What did happen?"

His sister and I both said, "Nothing."

We agreed and went into our tents for the rest of the night.

* * * * *

In the morning we were woken by the sound of Weirdo’s dad calling us out of our tents. He didn’t sound happy.

“Kids, get out here right now. You have some explaining to do.”

The three of us appeared sleepy-eyed at the flaps of our tents.

“Can anybody explain to me why I found a burnt dress behind this tent, and soaking wet clothes and sleeping bags behind this tent and in the creek?”

We were frozen. We weren’t quite sure ourselves what happened. Weirdo’s dad was getting impatient. His sister was about to speak when an old man walked up to our campsite laughing.

“He he, I saw the whole thing, mister.”

“You did?” said Weirdo’s sister.

“Sure did little gal.” He turned to Weirdo’s dad and said, "Friend, these kids of your's are heroes.”

“We are?” asked Weirdo.

“Sure are, kiddo.”

Weirdo’s dad asked, “What did they do?”

“Well, it wasn't pretty,” the old man sounded like he was going to tell an old war story, “but it all started with me down at my campsite late last night. My old dog, Bojangles, got a little too close to the campfire and caught his tail on fire. He tore through the campground so fast I couldn’t catch up. I was scared my poor Bojangles was going to be a crispy critter.”

We all listened closely. We had no idea what the man was talking about.

He continued, “Your kids must have heard the commotion because they jumped out of their tents. Your daughter grabbed Bojangles by the legs. She sure is brave. She’s lucky her whole dress didn’t catch fire. Your boys ran down to the creek and dunked their bags and clothes so they could douse the fire. I guess they were in such a hurry that they forgot half of them down at the creek.”

Weirdo’s dad looked very proud. He put his hands on his hips and puffed his chest out.

Looking us over he said, “Well I guess they are some pretty good kids. They must take after their old man. I once saved a puppy from a hot car in a Walmart parking lot.” He turned to the old man. “Say friend, what’s your name?”

“You can call me Campfire Joe.”

“Well, okay Campfire Joe. Thanks for sharing the story. We’ll see you around, and best of luck to Bojangles.”

* * * * *

The three of us kids searched around the campground later that day for Campfire Joe’s campsite. We didn’t find him anywhere. We went to the campground office and asked the old lady behind the desk if she knew Campfire Joe. She cocked her head and looked at us with squinty eyes. “Who are you looking for?”

“Campfire Joe. We met him earlier today. We’re looking for him and his dog, Bojangles.”

The old lady scratched her head. “Well, that’s Bojangles over there beneath that tree.” There was a dog so old it could barely wag its tail. “But as for Campfire Joe, he died in a tent fire twelve years ago.”

“How did he die?”

“Nobody knows for sure, but most people think that he fell asleep while smoking a cigarette, and when the cigarette dropped out of his mouth he wasn’t awake to see the tent burst into flames. By then it was too late. Old Bojangles, he barely escaped. All that happened to him was his tail caught on fire, but some kids caught him and put the fire out.”

We stared at the old woman. She continued, "That was back before they started making these tents today that are all fire retarded, or whatever they are."

Weirdo suggested, "You mean flame retardant?"

The old lady looked over the top of her big plastic glasses at Weirdo.

We thanked her for the story and walked back to our campsite. On the way we stopped and pet Bojangles. He was so happy to get attention he mustered the strength to wag his scraggly bald-tipped tail.

* * * * *

That night we were sitting around our campfire. Weirdo’s parents left to get more firewood. As soon as they left we saw an old man walking toward us.

“So you like to smoke do you?”

Weirdo’s sister gasped, “Campfire Joe?”

“That’s right. Now you promise me to quit that smoking. Do you hear me?”

She nodded her head up and down real fast.

“And you two.” He turned to Weirdo and me. “Don’t you think it’s time you quit peeing your pants at night. That's kid stuff. You two want to be men someday don't you?”

We nodded, even though we still weren’t sure who it was that did the peeing.

Weirdo asked, “Are you a ghost?”

Campfire Joe said, “I guess I am if you say I am.” With that he turned around and walked away into the darkness. We heard him say over his shoulder, “Remember those promises. Don't go breaking them."

* * * * *

We didn't see Campfire Joe for the rest of our time camping, except for on the day we left. We were driving up the bumpy dirt road towards the highway and we saw Campfire Joe, the old lady and Bojangles sitting in rocking chairs outside the campground office.

The two old people held hands and the dog laid between them. I saw Campfire Joe point at our car and say something that made the old lady laugh.

I know that I broke my promise to Campfire Joe a couple times since then, and I’m sure Weirdo has too. His sister, on the other hand, never smoked again. She also developed a mild fear of matches and old men.

Copyright 2007 Jeffrey A Pierce

Chapter Six, in which Weirdo wears the red pajamas

Another Thursday afternoon on the school bus and Weirdo asked me to sleep over at his house on Friday. I told myself after the last sleep over that I wouldn’t be sleeping in the same room as him again in the future.

“It’s for my birthday. We’re having a little party and my mom said I could have somebody sleep over.”

Well that’s just great. Everybody knows you can’t say no to a birthday sleep over. I tried to get out of it anyway. I told him my mom told me not to make plans for Friday night because we were going to a fish fry with my Great Uncle Al. This worked for about ten minutes.

Weirdo got off at his stop and ran inside. By the time I got home my mom had just gotten off the phone with Weirdo.

“Your friend from down the street called and asked me if it was all right for you to sleep over at his house tomorrow night for his birthday.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I told him it was okay, of course.”

That little sneak.

I couldn’t stop thinking about that awful mask and his creepy eyes. I packed my bag for the sleepover that night. My mom let me borrow her eye mask that she wears when she has trouble sleeping. I told her Weirdo likes to sleep with a really bright night light. I tried it on before I packed it, I couldn’t see a thing through it. I wouldn’t be tempted to look at Weirdo sleeping while wearing this to bed .

* * * * *

Friday evening was a fun time. We played party games, like pin the tail on the kite. Weirdo’s sister said it was mean to pin a tail on a donkey.

When it was nearly bedtime we walked down the hall to Weirdo’s bedroom to get our pj’s on. Weirdo stopped in the bathroom first to wipe birthday cake off his forehead. When I turned one year old my parents let me eat a piece of cake with my hands and get it all over. Apparently Weirdo’s family does that for every birthday.

While Weirdo was in the bathroom Uncle Jake stopped me in the hall. He got down on one knee to talk to me.

“Kid, do you know where we’re from?”

“No.”

“Of course you don’t. We’re from a little village in Pennsylvania. Do you know what’s special about that village?”

I shook my head no.

“Of course you don’t, you’re just a dumb kid. That village is famous because it’s the only village where kids still eat their parents on the morning of their tenth birthday. Every child gets a pair of shiny red pajamas that birthday and they wear them to bed. Do you know why?”

“No.”

“Of course you don’t. It’s so that when the kid wakes up the next morning and they walk down the hall to the kitchen to eat their parents, and blood goes flying everywhere it won’t matter if it gets on the pajamas because they’re already red.”

Weirdo came out of the bathroom with his brown skin mask and said he was going to put his pajamas on. Uncle Jake and I watched him go into the bedroom and shut the door behind him.

“You remember what I said, kid.” Uncle Jake was walking slowly backward away from me. “How do you think I ended up living here? I ate my parents and had nowhere else to go.” Then he pointed at me with one finger, then at his eyes with two fingers, then at Weirdo’s room with one finger and said, “Don’t you take your eyes off him, unless you like the color of blood.”

The door to Weirdo’s room opened and Uncle Jake ran away. Weirdo stood in the hallway wearing shiny red pajamas.

“Look at the pajamas my Aunt in Pennsylvania sent me for my birthday.”

* * * * *

I didn't think much of the red pj's at first, I just went into Weirdo’s room to put on my pajamas. Upon opening my bag I realized that I gave so much attention to remembering my mom’s sleeping mask that I forgot to pack my pajamas.

“Just sleep in your panties,” Weirdo said as he tucked his self into bed. “I do it all the time.”

I was fine sleeping in my underwear, I do it all the time at home too. I slipped into my sleeping bag, and after Weirdo turned the light off I put the sleeping mask on.

I felt good laying there in the dark, not being able to see Weirdo and his creepy sleeping habits. I felt good for a while. Then the curiosity was just too much. I waited a long time before rolling over to peek.

When I was sure that he must be asleep I lifted one corner of the mask and looked across the dark room. There was Weirdo in his shiny red pajamas, that nasty junk on his face and his eyes wide open, staring right at me.

After what Uncle Jake told me, this was spooky. Weirdo and his family got weirder and stranger every time I came over to their house. And now this is what it has come down to. Weirdo eating his parents?

Of course not, I was silly to even think it. Besides, today was his birthday. If Uncle Jake was telling the truth Weirdo would have already eaten his parents, but they were fine. I rolled to my side so my back was turned to Weirdo.

“Why were you looking at me?”

“You’re not asleep?”

“Of course not, I was looking right at you!”

I did not want to go through this again so I just pulled my mask down tight and tried to fall asleep.

“I can’t wait for tomorrow,” Weirdo said suddenly in the dark room.

“Why?”

“Because tomorrow my parents are going to die…”

I sat up and snapped, “What?”

“Whoa, settle down and let me finish. I was saying that tomorrow my parents are going to buy me a new bike for my birthday.”

“Why didn’t they give it to you tonight. Today’s your birthday, right?”

“Actually tomorrow’s my birthday, but we celebrated it tonight because tomorrow we’re going to my cousin’s house to celebrate his birthday tomorrow night.”

“So you and your cousin have the same birthdays?”

“No, his is the day after on Sunday. But his church doesn’t let them celebrate birthdays on Sundays, so they just moved it up a day this year.”

Red pajamas. Aunt in Pennsylvania. He slipped and said his parents were going to die. Today is not his birthday. Things were adding up, and I did not fall asleep for a very long time.

* * * * *

I woke up in the morning because Weirdo was stepping over me on his way to the door. I had crazy dreams all night about red pajamas and people eating people. Weirdo began walking down the hall sleepily, and I could hear his family in the kitchen.

I called out for Weirdo quietly at first, “Weirdo! Stop, come back!” He didn’t hear me. He must have been in a birthday trance that would allow him to eat his parents without thinking it was wrong.

I jumped up out of my sleeping bag and ran after him. When he reached the kitchen table I caught up with him shouting, “No Weirdo, don’t do it!”

Suddenly everything was very quiet. Uncle Jake said, “What are you doing?” Weirdo’s sister said, “Yeah, what are you doing?” His mother said sweetly, “Honey, in this family we don’t come to the table shouting and wearing nothing but our panties.”

It was at that moment I remembered I had not worn pajamas to bed. My face was redder than Weirdo’s pj’s. I ran back down the hall and threw my clothes on as fast as I could.

I tried sneaking out the front door, but Weirdo’s mom saw me and asked, “Don’t you want some milk and cereal before you leave?”

I said, “No thank you,” politely and walked out the door. I could not bear to sit with his family after making a silly fool of myself. Besides, they have really old, green cereal bowls that I swear make the milk taste funny.

Chapter Five, in which I go in the toitey jar

One day in the summer Weirdo asked if I wanted to go the beach with his family. The beach was about forty miles away, so the drive to get there took almost an hour.

“Is your Uncle Jake coming?”

“No, he’s afraid of water.”

“Good. Is your sister coming?”

Weirdo nodded. I didn’t say it, but I was thinking good in my head. I developed quite a crush on Weirdo’s sister.

We all piled into the car. Weirdo sat between me and his sister, except that he was practically sitting on my lap.

"Scoot over."

"I can't. I can't cross the line."

"What line?"

"The one my sister drew."

I looked, and there was actually a line drawn on the seat marking the center line.

"What happens if you cross it?"

"Stick your hand across and find out."

I smirked at Weirdo as I reached my hand over him and crossed the line.

Weirdo's sister screamed at the top of her lungs. "Mooooooommmmmmm!!!!!"

I jerked my hand back just in time before their mom turned around and smacked at the center line with a fly swatter. Weirdo and I giggled quietly.

* * * * *

Weirdo's mom put a tape in the player and turned up the volume. Church songs came on and his mom and sister started singing. Weirdo’s mom put one hand out the window up in the air and held the other one lightly to her face. In between lines she said things like, “Thank you, my Jesus,” or “Power and glory belong to you,” or sometimes she’d just say “Mmmmm….” like she just ate something really tasty.

My family went to church, but I had never seen anybody do that before. I looked at Weirdo and he was rolling his eyes. I asked him if he forgot the words or something.

"No," he whispered to me, "my dad and I don't believe in god. We let my mom and sister listen to Jesus music as long as they don't ask us to go to church with them."

I don't think I ever knew anyone before who didn't believe in God. I thought about that for awhile as we drove, but soon realized I had to go pee really badly. I was holding it, but their car was just too bumpy. I asked Weirdo to ask his dad if we could pull over for a second because I had to pee.

Weirdo shouted over the singing to his dad, “Dad! Can we pull over to pee?”

His dad shouted back, “Just use the toity jar.”

Weirdo turned to me. “Yeah, you can use the toity jar.”

“The what?”

He reached under the back seat and pulled out an empty bottle and handed it to me.

“This is the toity jar? I’m supposed to pee in it?”

“Yeah. We keep empty jugs like that in the car for different stuff. That’s a toity jar because we drew a black X on the cap.”

I had a hard enough time peeing at a urinal in the school bathroom. I couldn't pee in a bottle on a bumpy road, especially with Weirdo’s sister sitting two feet away.

“Are you going to use it or not?”

I had to go really bad, and I don’t think I could have held it all the way to the beach. I turned as far away from his sister as possible and unscrewed the cap. I pulled my shorts down just far enough to pee into the bottle. The car hit a dip in the road and it made me miss the bottle and get some on my hand and the seat.

Weirdo saw and said, “Watch it now. Don’t miss.” When he said that he jabbed me with his elbow and made me miss the bottle again.

It helped to close my eyes and pretend I was all alone, but I had to keep a close eye on what I was doing. I finally finished and screwed the cap back on the bottle.

I handed it to Weirdo, but he pushed it away and said, “Nuh-uh, you fill it you hold it. That’s a car rule.”

So I held the bottle the rest of the way to the beach. It was a really warm bottle. When we got there I jumped out and emptied the bottle in the weeds, then put the bottle back under the seat.

* * * * *

We spent almost all day swimming and playing. The day was getting late so we all dried off and got back into the car. Weirdo’s mom went across the parking lot to a convenience store and bought a big bottle of Gatoraide for us all to share.

The bottle was being passed around and we all took big chugs from it. When it came to Weirdo’s sister she didn’t want to get any of our germs, so she reached under the seat and pulled out an empty bottle. She unscrewed the cap and poured some into it. She passed the big bottle to her mom and put the smaller one she just filled to her lips.

As she drank I wrinkled my face and said to Weirdo, “Isn’t that the toity jar?”

She heard me ask and said, “No, dork. The toity jar has a blue X. We only put a black X on the caps of bottles we save for drinking.”

“But I peed into one with a black X.”

Weirdo said quietly, “Oops.”

His sister’s face turned green, then blue, the green again. She tried to cover her mouth, but she threw up all over the backseat of the car. I used my beach towel to sheild it, but Weirdo and his sister both got a lap full.

We pulled over and everyone sat on the side of the road while their mom cleaned all the puke out of the backseat. She sang church songs as she cleaned, but instead of saying Jesus things between each line, she gagged.

I didn’t think Weirdo’s sister was very cute after that. And I made sure to relieve myself behind a tree before we got back in the car to drive home.

Chapter Four, in which I meet Weirdo's Uncle Jake

I started spending a lot of time at Weirdo’s house. It was only a few blocks from my house so my mom would let me get off at Weirdo’s stop everyday if I came home in time for dinner.

One of the first times I played there was rainy day so we stayed inside to watch after-school cartoons. Weirdo showed me the basement were they had a big TV and nice cozy sofa you could sink into.

We ran down the stairs eager to turn the TV on, but it was already on. There was a guy sleeping on the sofa with jeans on but no shirt or socks. He had long hair, and it looked like he hadn’t taken a bath in days.

I whispered to Weirdo, “Who’s that?”

“That’s my Uncle Jake. He’s really cool. He plays in a rock and roll band called Something Like a Dragon. They’re really good.”

Uncle Jake stirred a bit on the sofa and pulled his bag of pretzel sticks closer to him. There was an old karate movie on the TV. Weirdo and I watched for about two minutes, then he walked to the TV and turned the channel.

“Eh, I was watching that.” Uncle Jake stuck his hand in the pretzel bag and yawned. “Turn it back now, Weirdo.”

“We thought you were asleep. Sorry, Uncle Jake.” Weirdo changed the channel back to where it was. We watched it for a minute more until we heard Uncle Jake snoring. He was laying face down on the sofa with one arm sagging onto the floor.

Weirdo said, “Watch this,” and he turned the channel on the TV.

“Turn it back!. Do I have to kill your goldfish?”

“Sorry, Uncle Jake.”

Weirdo turned the channel back and Uncle Jake rolled onto his back, where he quickly fell asleep again.

“Watch this.” Weirdo quietly took some pretzel sticks from the bag and placed them carefully up Uncle Jake’s nose. He stuck a few between his lips, one coming out of each ear and balanced a few on his forehead.

I didn’t want to be around if Uncle Jake woke up. He didn’t seem very friendly. I stood back in the corner as Weirdo went to the TV and changed the channel.

Uncle Jake groaned, “For the love of all things that rock, turn the cha…what the?” He put his hand to his face and felt at the pretzel sticks in his mouth. He looked down and saw the ones coming out his nose, and when he did that the pretzels on his forehead rolled off onto his chest.

“How in the… where did…” Uncle Jake put a few of the sticks in his mouth and chewed them. Then he said to Weirdo, “Hey, do your favorite Uncle a favor and make sure there’s another bag of pretzels in my room, because I plan on finishing this bag around 4:20 and I’m gonna need replacements. And keep your nasty little fingers off that TV.”

Weirdo changed the channel back and Uncle Jake rolled away from the TV to his side and started snoring again. He never found the pretzels in his ears. Weirdo and I were laughing so hard it hurt.

“Now watch this,” Weirdo said with a big smile. He stood up on the sofa with a leg on each side of Uncle Jake. Weirdo started jumping up and down on the sofa. Uncle Jake didn’t move a muscle. Weirdo kept jumping and yelled, “Uncle Jake has a brain that’s fake! Uncle Jake has a brain that’s fake!” Uncle Jake was hopelessly asleep.

From all that jumping Uncle Jake rolled onto his back. Weirdo picked up Uncle Jake’s halfway empty can of grape soda and poured it out onto the front of his pants. Uncle Jake never flinched. He just laid there looking like he just peed a big purple river in his pants.

“Come on,” Weirdo said, “let’s just go upstairs and watch TV.”

“You mean you had a TV upstairs this whole time? Why didn’t we just go watch that one?”

“Because,” Weirdo rolled his eyes, “that one doesn’t have a remote.”

“Well neither does this one.”

“Yes it does. Uncle Jake is laying on it.”

Chapter Three, in which I sleep over at Weirdo's house

One Thursday Weirdo asked me if I would sleep over at his house on Friday. I asked my mom and she said it was okay. I packed my bag and got off at Weirdo’s stop with him the next afternoon.

Weirdo had a sister a few years older than us. She was always writing names and drawing hearts on the covers of her notebooks. Right before bedtime, she pulled me aside when Weirdo was in the bathroom.

“I have to tell you something.” She put her face real close to mine. She had perfume on. I liked her. “I’m not saying this to freak you out, but Weirdo sleeps with his eyes open.”

She turned away quickly, unlocked her room and went in. Weirdo came out of the bathroom with brown stuff all over his face.

“What’s that junk on your face?”

“It’s my night time skin mask. My mom makes me wear it so I won’t get pimples on my face.”

It looked like somebody smeared chocolate frosting all over face and let it dry. It smelled kind of like chocolate too. For a second I imagined licking it to see what it tasted like, but I embarrassed myself and changed the subject in my mind.

* * * * *

We were ready for bed and laying out our sleeping bags on Weirdo’s floor. His mom came in to say goodnight and turn the light out. I laid on the floor looking up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling while Weirdo talked about different kinds of light bulbs.

He eventually stopped talking and everything was very quiet. Weirdo was already beginning to snore quietly. I rolled over and looked at him. There, a few feet away, was Weirdo’s brown face and his bright, wide open eyes.

This was creepy. His dark, crusty face and white eyes staring right at me, but he was asleep and snoring! He looked like some kind of monster, like a mummy waking from a thousand years of sleep. His eyes did not move or blink. Was he really asleep?

I whispered, “Weirdo, are you awake?”

“Of course I am! I’m staring right at you!”

He startled me.

“Oh, I thought maybe you were asleep because you were snoring.”

“I wasn’t snoring.”

“Never mind.”

I rolled over and tried to fall asleep. All I could think of was his creepy, dark face and wide, white eyes. I heard Weirdo snoring softly again. I waited a long time and slowly rolled over to look at him.

Dark face, eyes wide open! I stared for a long time. He didn’t move, but continued snoring.

He couldn’t really be asleep, could he? I leaned closer to see if he would say anything. I crawled quietly to where he lay. My face closed in on his, closer and closer, until our noses were almost touching.

Weirdo barked at me and said, “What are you doing?”

“You’re not asleep?”

“Of course not, I was staring right at you!”

“Oh, I thought you were sleeping, sorry.”

Weirdo rolled away from me and said, “Don’t be weird, just go to sleep. You’re keeping me awake.”

Me keeping him awake? He was creeping me out so badly I wasn’t even tired anymore. I waited a long time until I heard him snoring again. His back was turned to me so I couldn’t see his eyes.

I crept very quietly to him. He was snoring very loudly now. I poked him. Nothing.

I leaned over him so I could see his face. Eyes wide open! Snoring like wild! Finally asleep, no question about it. Not even my oldest brother could snore like Weirdo was.

Then I smelled it. The mask, it smelled so good. It must be made of chocolate. The thought entered my mind, but no, I didn’t dare.

Weirdo snored even louder. I poked him some more. He was out like a light, except for those big, white eyes.

I leaned in closely and smelled the mask again. Oh, it smelled so good, and my mouth began to water. I couldn’t help myself. Ever so gently, I licked the mask on Weirdo’s face.

I gagged.

“What are you doing?”

I fell onto Weirdo and said, “That tastes awful!”

He pushed me off and cried, “What does?”

“Your mask.”

“What? You tasted my mask?” He touched the dried junk on his face and felt where it was wet. “You licked my face? Are you sick or what?”

I had nothing to say. There was a nasty, rubbery taste in my mouth. Nothing at all like chocolate.

Weirdo sat up and scooted away like he was scared I might taste him again. “If you were trying to kiss me I’m going to puke, and I swear I’ll puke all over your sleeping bag, not mine.”

"No, I just wanted to see what that stuff on your face tasted like."

"Like rubber. You could've just asked me instead of licking me."

Weirdo shook his head shamefully at me and layed back down. Within minutes he was snoring.

I didn’t look over at Weirdo any more, and it took me a long, long time to fall asleep. In the morning I still felt like I had a rubber band in my mouth.

Chapter Two, in which Weirdo draws in a magic notebook

One day after school I walked out to my bus, but our normal bus wasn’t there. Instead we had a short bus. The bus driver said our normal bus was in the shop getting a thingy done on the thingy. I was the last to get on.

We normally had just enough room for everybody on our normal sized bus. We really had to cram in with this one. Every seat had about seven kids in it. I tried piling myself onto a few of the seats that didn’t already have kids hanging out the window, but everybody pushed me off.

“Why don’t you just sit there?” The bus driver pointed to a seat with only one kid in it.

“Can I stand?”

“Nope, that’s against student transportation ordinance 43.a.2.”

Weirdo smiled at me from his spacious seat. I froze.

“C’mon kid," the bus driver pulled his sunglasses down and looked over the top of them at me, "Gotta get the bus moving. Sit down or get off.”

I sat down slowly next to Weirdo. I sat as far away from him as I could. One cheek was hanging into the aisle. Weirdo was drawing in a notebook. I pretended not to watch him, so I just looked out the corner of my eye. He was drawing a picture of a man with a bunch of money around him. At the bottom of the page he wrote ‘Wednesday’. Today was Tuesday.

“Do you know what this is?”

“No.”

“Of course you don’t. It’s a magic notebook. Whatever I draw in it will come true on the day of the week that I write at the bottom.”

“You want it to rain money?”

“Kind of. Actually it's a picture of my dad winning the lottery. Here's my stop. See you tomorrow.”

Weirdo stepped over me into the aisle. I heard him sing, “We’re in the money” as he got off the bus.

* * * * *

The next day we had the same short bus and I had to sit with Weirdo again. It’s kind of like going to the dentist - it’s not so bad if you’ve done it once before. In fact, this time I sat with both cheeks on the seat. Barely.

“My dad won the lottery this morning. We all got new shoes and panties. I’ll show you mine when we get to my stop. I told you it was a magic notebook.”

“You call them panties? Only girls wear panties.”

“That’s what we call them in my house. It’s easier to say than underwear.”

“I don’t want to see them.”

“I’m not wearing them now. My mom will probably be hanging them on the clothesline when we get to my house. Are you kidding? I’d never wear new panties right out of the bag, that's sick."

"Why is that sick?"

"My Uncle Jake says that the factory workers have to try on all the panties they make before putting them in bags just to make sure they fit right. But I do have my new shoes on. The factory workers are required to wear socks when they try the shoes on, so it’s okay to wear them right out of the box.”

I noticed my mouth was hanging open.

Weirdo pulled out his notebook, licked the tip of his pencil and began drawing. I told him he could get lead poisoning from licking the end of the pencil like that. He laughed and told me I was cute.

“What is that?”

“This is a picture of you sitting next to me on the bus.”

At the bottom of the page he wrote ‘Thursday’. He also wrote my name and drew an arrow to the kid with short hair and thin glasses. Then he wrote ‘Weirdo’ and drew an arrow to the kid with big curly hair and thick glasses.

As we pulled up to a house with underwear hanging out front, Weirdo stood up in his seat and yelled out the little window opening, “Hey Mom! Are my panties dry?”

A lady in his front yard waved and said something back.

“Okay, see the ones on the line closest to the house? Mine are the little ones.”

Weirdo ran off the bus and gave the lady a hug. Then he grabbed a pair of underwear off the line and ran into the house.

* * * * *

The next day we had our normal bus. I didn’t have to sit with Weirdo again. But when I got on the bus Weirdo was waving to me and saying, “Sit here! Sit here!”

I looked around at my friends. Nobody saw me get on, so I sat with Weirdo.

“I told you it was magic.”

“What is?”

“The notebook. See, you’re sitting with me.”

I forgot all about his drawing from yesterday. I said, “But you asked me to sit here.”

“You didn’t have to, but the power of the notebook drew you to me.”

Weirdo pulled the notebook from his bag, then pulled the pencil out of the spiral. He looked me right in the eye and slowly licked the tip of it.

Weirdo drew a picture that looked a lot like yesterday’s picture, except that this time I was sitting with him and giving an apple to him. He wrote out our names and drew the arrows, then wrote ‘Friday’ at the bottom of the page.

“So, I’m supposed to give you an apple tomorrow?”

“No, you’re not supposed to. You are mentally bound by the magic to do it.”

We came to Weirdo's house.

“What are those hanging on the clothesline?”

“Paper towels.”

“You wash and dry your paper towels?”

“No, my Uncle Jake hangs them up there when there aren’t any clothes to dry so that low flying aircraft will see the lines and won’t fly through them. See you tomorrow.”

Weirdo ran off the bus and put his arms out like he was an airplane. He flew beneath the clotheslines and into the house.

* * * * *

I walked out to the bus the next afternoon and saw that we had the short bus again. I asked the bus driver if the thingy wasn't fixed right. He lowered his sunglasses and said, "I don't ask you about the holes in your pants, do I?”

I looked at him quietly.

“Go on. Bus is full. You have to sit with the weird kid again.”

I looked at Weirdo, all by himself. I sat down and a brown paper bag on the seat next to him fell over when I plopped down on the seat. An apple tumbled into my lap. I picked it up and handed it to him… and remembered the drawing. Weirdo smirked at me.

“Oh come on. You set that up.”

“Three for three. When will you believe me?”

“When you draw something crazy that couldn’t happen. If you draw a picture of a dragon eating me, and a dragon comes and eats me, then I’ll believe in you.”

“Okay. So I’ll draw a picture of a dragon eating you. But you can’t call the police on me or anything when it happens, because I’ll just tell them that you made me do it. Actually, I need you to write that on the back of the page to release me from liability.”

Weirdo licked his pencil twice and began drawing. There was a big spotted dragon with me in his mouth. At the bottom of the page he wrote ‘Saturday’.

“Now I warn you, this will ruin your weekend.” He handed the notebook and pencil to me. “Here, now write on the back that you asked me to do this.”

I took the notebook and turned the page over. I wrote ‘I asked Weirdo to draw this,’ and signed my name below it. I tried to give them back to Weirdo, but his face was pushed against the window.

“Ooh, ooh.” He started pointing and bouncing a little in his seat. “Ooh, ooh.” He turned to me and said, “Look, there’s my mom bringing the groceries in. She went grocery shopping!"

The bus pulled over and Weirdo ran off. He was trying to look inside the grocery bag his mom was carrying, but she shooed him away. They went inside and closed the door. The bus drove off.

Weirdo forgot his notebook. I held it in my hands. There was the dragon. Eating me. Of course it wasn’t really magic.

Of course.

I felt silly. I had to do it anyway. I licked the tip of the pencil and began drawing. Where Weirdo had drawn me with short hair and thin glasses, I penciled in big curly hair and made the glasses thicker. He hadn’t written my name with an arrow, so just to be safe I wrote ‘Weirdo’ and drew an arrow.

* * * * *

I didn’t have a good weekend. I could not stop thinking about what I may have done to Weirdo. I was afraid I killed him with his own magic notebook.

I got on the bus Monday afternoon. He wasn’t there. We drove by Weirdo’s house, and there were only big underwear hanging from the lines.

I threw up a little bit when I got home. Then I got out the magic notebook and drew a picture of Weirdo sitting on the bus with me. At the bottom I wrote ‘Tuesday’.

Tuesday afternoon came. Weirdo was in his seat. I sat with him. I sat with him the next day, the day after that and everyday for the rest of the year. Neither of us ever mentioned the magic notebook again.

Chapter One, in which I get to know Weirdo

Most kids rode the bus in the morning and in the afternoon. Not Weirdo. He rode the bus only in the afternoon, on the way home. Nobody knew his real name. We just called him Weirdo, and he let us.

Kids on the bus asked him, “Are you a dork?”

Weirdo always replied, “I guess I am if you say I am.”

“Are you a nerd?”

“I guess I am if you say I am.”

“Do you eat diapers for breakfast?”

“I guess I do if you say I do.”

I even tried it a couple times. It was fun.

I remember him always wearing sweaters. Really fuzzy sweaters. Even on those hot days when everybody is practically stripped down to their underwear on the bus ride home.

No matter how many people rode the bus, Weirdo was somehow the only kid sitting alone. It was a mystery. Nine kids would sometimes pile into one seat just so someone wouldn’t have to sit with the him.

It may have been a sin to sit with him, but it was golden to be close enough to watch him be weird.

* * * * *

One day I watched him rubbing chalk on his sweater.

“85, 86, 87, 88,” rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, "93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98...”

"What are you counting?"

“My mom won't let us have tootsie roll pops in the house because my sister has braces. So I'm seeing how many rubs it takes to get to the center of a piece of chalk.”

Rub, rub, rub, rub, rub.

"How many so far?”

Rub, rub, rub, rub, "Dang it. I was at 103 until you distracted me."

Weirdo threw the piece of chalk onto the floor of the bus and said, "The world may never know."

Soon the bus stopped in front of a house with underwear on the clothesline in the front yard. Weirdo got off the bus and ran inside.

* * * * *

One day I was reading a comic book on the bus ride home. Suddenly Weirdo’s face was in mine.

“Did you feel that?”

“Feel what?”

“Never mind.”

Weirdo hopped back into his seat across the aisle. I turned back to my comic.

“Did you feel that?”

He was in my face again.

“Feel what?”

“Hmmm, I guess I have to practice on my dog some when I get home.”

“Practice what?”

“Telekinesis. I was trying to tap you on the shoulder with my mind. Uncle Jake can press the snooze button on his alarm clock with telekinesis. He can turn the TV on with it too. He even says he can plunge the toilet with his mind, but I've never seen him do that. I once lifted a dish off the counter with telekinesis but I dropped it on the floor when I remembered I had to call my Aunt Betsy. It broke when it hit the counter and my mom said I couldn't do telekinesis any more. So don't tell her I'm taking it back up. OK? Do you have a dog? I know how a light bulb works.”

I thought I might cry.

“It’s really quite simple. At the base there are two metal contacts that make contact with the ends of an electrical circuit. Those are attached to a little wire called a filament. That’s held up by a little glass column or something.”

Kids in other seats felt bad for me.

“Then they fill the light bulb with Argon. When it’s plugged in, electrons move up into the filament and bump into all the...”

"Give it a break, Weirdo," the bus driver shouted.

“We're almost to your stop.” I saw a bunch of underwear down the street.

“Oh yeah. Here we are! Mexican Lasagna for dinner tonight. See ya later.”

When I got home I tried to turn the TV on just by using my brain. I had to stop because it was giving me a headache.


© 2007, Jeffrey A. Pierce