Chapter Fourteen - In which Weirdo and I tell scary stories

I asked Weirdo to spend the night at my house. He pulled at his lip and thought about it for awhile.

"Okay, but you aren't going to make me sleep in the same bed as you or anything are you?"

"No."

"Then I guess I can make some time for you."

The next day he was going to get off at my stop with me. Since my stop was six stops after his, and since Weirdo had never been to my house before, he got to see where a bunch of other kids lived.

"Oh man, this is so cool to see how the other side lives. I ride the bus every day with all of you, but you never really know a person until you see where he lives." Weirdo pressed his face against the window. "Ooh man, whose house is that? Did you know a wise man said 'Home is not the place where you live, but the place where you belong', but my Dad says that most people never find where they belong so they may as well just throw that saying out the window."

I often found my mouth hanging slightly open when Weirdo talked.

"Oh man, look at the size of that maple tree. I bet he could hang some sweet Halloween decorations from that. What kind did he hang up last Halloween?"

"I don't know. Who cares?"

Weirdo pulled a big ziplock bag from his backpack. It had a little tube of toothpaste, a toothbrush, his night time mask in a tube and what looked like a little thing of chapstick.

"Why did you pack chapstick?"

"That's not chapstick, it's deodorant."

"I've never seen deodorant like that before.

"That's what they give out in jail. Uncle Jake got it when he went to jail last month."

"What did he go to jail for?"

"He says it was because he drank too much coffee at a party and got arrested for speeding on the way home."

We turned down my street I showed him where my house was. He made a face like he was disappointed, but didn't say anything.


* * * * *


I spent the afternoon showing him around my house and yard. If I showed him something he thought was interesting he would tell me I did good for myself. If I showed him something he thought was ordinary he would just nod his head and stay quiet. He became bored with my tour and asked to see the kitchen.

My mom was in the kitchen looking through the phone book when we came in. She asked if we had any requests for Chinese food.

"My mom makes her own Chinese food. She had a Chinese boyfriend in college who taught her Tai Chi and how to roll a perfect egg roll. Do you know how to make General Tso's sauce?"

My mom stared at him.

"Maybe my mom can call over and give you some pointers. That's if you have the right ingredients, though."

Weirdo opened our pantry and looked through it. He shook his head as he pulled out a can of Del Monte green beans.

"My dad says that anybody who buys Del Monte is a sucker. They all come from the same farm, but Del Monte costs more just because of the label. Did you know that?"

My mom took the beans from him and placed them back in the cupboard. Then she gave me the look.

"Come on, Weirdo. Let's go downstairs."

My older brothers shared a room downstairs next to the TV room. I sat down on the couch and turned the TV on. Weirdo was gone. I called for him and heard him in my brothers' room. My oldest brother had a locked trunk that he kept all his comic books in. The trunk was open and Weirdo was sitting on the floor next to it reading through all the comics.

"Weirdo! My brother is going to kill us if he finds out you broke into his trunk."

"Relax, he was just in here and said I could read them. He opened it for me."

"Really?"

My brother never let me read his comics. I sat down picked one up to read it. My brother walked in.

"What are you snots doing with my comics? How'd you break into my trunk?"

I looked at Weirdo. He looked back at me with big eyes and said, "What?"

"You said he opened it for you."

"That was so long ago, why are you even talking about it still?"

Weirdo tossed the comic he was reading back into the trunk.

"Besides, I already read #42. I have them all the way up to #56."

My brother looked surprised. "You mean you have Bonzai Man #'s 43 through 56?"

"No. I have #'s 1 through 56. I even have a special edition of #12 that's never even been read."

My brother was impressed. He picked me up by the arm and pushed me out of the room. The door closed behind me. I sat and watched TV while Weirdo and my brother sat by the trunk full of comics and talked about Bonzai Man and all the other cool comic book characters I knew nothing about because my mom wouldn't let me buy them and my brother wouldn't let me read his.

The doorbell rang and my mom yelled, "The food is here!" We all ran upstairs to the table. My mom passed out paper plates and forks.

"You guys eat your Chinese food with forks?"

We all stared at him. My dad looked at the fork in his hand and asked, "What do you expect us to use, our fingers?"

"You guys are too cute. My dad says that if you eat Chinese food with anything other than chopsticks you might as well dip it in ketchup too."

I kicked Weirdo beneath the table and gave crinkled my forehead at him.

"Well, I guess I can use a fork too. It won't hurt just this once."


* * * * *


After dinner Weirdo and I played in the back yard until it was too dark. We came inside and began getting ready for bed. We brushed our teeth together in the bathroom, then Weirdo pulled out his chapstick size deordorant and rubbed it into his armpits.

"You put deordorant on before you go to bed?"

"The mask makes my whole body sweat."

"Oh come one, please don't put that mask on. It's weird."

"Try eating Chinese food with a fork. That's weird."

Weirdo said he would do me a favor by not wearing the mask as long as I slept on the floor so he could sleep in my bed. I agreed. We went to my room, made my bed on the floor and turned the light out.

"Hey, I brought a surprise in my bag."

"What is it?"

I watched Weirdo reach into his bag and pull out a flashlight.

"This!"

"We have flashlights. What's the big deal?"

"Yeah, maybe you do, but do your flashlights do this?"

Weirdo pushed the little white switch and the flashlight turned on, beaming a bright circle on the ceiling. None of the flashlights in our house ever had batteries that actually worked. So I agreed with Weirdo that his was pretty cool.

Weirdo told me to get settled in, because he was going to tell me a scary story. He put the flashlight under his chin to make his face look real creepy.

"Last year... there was a man who worked at the bank. His boss told him he needed to get some papers signed by one of their clients. So the man went to the client to have the papers signed, but when he got back to the bank he couldn't find his brief case."

I was waiting for it to get scary.

"He looked, and looked, and looked for the brief case everywhere. He eventually told his boss that he lost the briefcase with the papers in it. His boss fired him on the spot."

I thought there was more, but Weirdo just looked at me waiting for me to react.

"That's it?"

"What do you mean, 'That's it?' Wouldn't that scare you silly if it happened to you?"

"I don't know. It doesn't sound scary.”

"The here, you tell a story scarier than that."

Weirdo handed the flashlight to me. I held it underneath my chin like he did. I felt like an old Indian storyteller sitting around a fire late at night in some tepee far out in the mountains.

"Once upon a time..."

"Boring."

"I didn't even start yet. Shut up."

I couldn't see real well in the dark, but I knew Weirdo was rolling his eyes.

"There was a man driving down a lonely highway at midnight. His car broke down and he had to pull over. There was nothing around but trees on every side. He didn't know what to do and thought he would have to start walking down the road to the next gas station miles away. He started walking, but then saw a light far off in the forest. It looked like a little cabin. He walked..."

"This had better get scary soon."

"It's called building up suspense. Now shut up."

"I think it's called a bedtime story for two year olds. Come on, let's get this story moving already."

I shook my head and continued.

"He walked into the forest and deep into the trees until he finally came to the little cabin. There were candles lit inside, which he could see through the little windows, but there was nobody in there. He opened the door and screamed! There was an old woman laying dead on the floor with blood all around. He heard something running toward the cabin. He turned around and screamed again! There in the doorway was giant wolf man with blood around his mouth!"

"Enough! That is so stupid. I thought we were telling scary stories here. We might as well save the batteries in my flashlight."

"What do you mean that's not scary? What's so scary about some dummy losing his job?"

"That could really happen! My Dad lost his job once and it was really scary. Wolf men aren't even real. How can it be scary if it can't happen?"

Weirdo took the flashlight from me and shined it underneath his chin again.

"Okay. Do you want to hear something really scary? I mean really, really scary?"

I nodded my head.

"Once, and this is a true story by the way, my Uncle Jake was on a plane that crashed high on top of a mountain. A bunch of the passengers died, but there were many who were still alive, like my Uncle Jake. There were stranded for days and were getting very hungry. They had no food at all except for chocolates that they passed out on the plane before it crashed. After three days, Uncle Jake decided that he was so hungry he could eat anything. He walked over to one of the people who died in the crash, licked his lips and started to..."

"No, that's gross. Don't even say it."

"What? Don't say that he checked the pockets for more chocolate? He was dead, you know. Dead people don't need chocolate."

"I thought you were going to say that Uncle Jake wanted to eat the dead person."

"Oh, that is gross. Why do you say things like that?"

"Well, then what's so scary about taking chocolates from a dead person?"

"I wasn't even done. Can I finish?"

I nodded in the dark.

"Uncle Jake knelt down next to the dead guy. Very slowly he reached into the guy's pocket. He didn't find any chocolates but he screamed when..."

Just then the flashlight batteries died and the light went out.

"Humph. I guess I'll just have to finish telling you later."

Weirdo put the dark flashlight back into his bag and fell asleep on my bed.

For once Weirdo was scary. Too scary. I wasn't sure that I wanted to know how the story ended, so I didn't ask him to tell the rest. I don't know what Uncle Jake screamed at, but my mind wandered the possibilities.

He screamed when the dead person grabbed his arm? He screamed when a spider hiding in the dead person's pocket bit him on the hand? He screamed when he found that the pocket was full of blood?

I pulled the blanket over my head and tried to think of happy things. I thought about throwing balls at a target to knock a clown in the water. I thought about how many colors of sprinkles are on donuts. I tried to think about Abraham Lincoln, but I remembered that he was dead. That threw my mind right back to Uncle Jake with his hand in a dead man's pocket.

I had a very hard time falling asleep, just like every time I sleep at Weirdo's house. Somehow he always creeps me out at night.


* * * * *


Weirdo woke me up in the morning. He was excited because he forgot that he packed an extra set of batteries.

"Now I can finish the story."

He turned the flashlight on and put it under his chin. The morning sun was shining and the flashlight didn't make a difference.

"So Uncle Jake put his hand in the dead man's pocket to look for chocolates. Then he screamed when he saw a helicopter come towards the mountain. He jumped up and waved his arms, and the helicopter pilot saw him and rescued all the survivors."

I stared at Weirdo.

"That's why he screamed? That's it? Geez Weirdo, what's so scary about that? I was up all night scared out of my wits."

"What do you mean what's so scary? The helicopter pilot almost didn't see them and they could have been stranded forever."

We were both quiet for a long time, just looking at each other. Weirdo scratched his head and looked at the corner of the ceiling. After another moment he said, "I saw my sister kissing Blake Nelson the other night."

"Now that's scary."

Chapter Thirteen - In which Uncle Jake buys an RV

One day in the summer I walked to Weirdo’s house and saw a big, junky RV sitting in his driveway. The parts that were supposed to be brown had turned orange, and the parts that were supposed to be white had turned brown. The screens on the windows were ripped, and somebody made a rainbow on one corner with spray paint.

As I walked up the driveway Uncle Jake burst from the creeky door on the RV and skipped into Weirdo’s house. Weirdo came out of the RV a second later.

“Why is Uncle Jake so happy today?”

“Because he finally got his own place.”

“You mean he’s moving out?”

“Kind of. He just bought this RV and he’s going to live in it.”

“Where is he going to move it?”

“Nowhere, he’s going to keep it here in the driveway.”

Uncle Jake came out of the house whistling and holding a white plastic bag.

“Come on kids,” he said in the happiest voice I had ever heard him speak in before. “I have a house warming present for all of us.”

We followed him into the RV. It was so hot inside that I instantly started sweating. Uncle Jake slid open the windows and plugged in a small fan.

“Now careful, kids. I tried to sweep all the mouse poop out, but there still some under the cabinet there.”

I looked to where he pointed and saw a small opening beneath a counter and shuddered to think of all the dust and mouse poop underneath there. Weirdo and I sat at the rickety table near the door and waited to see what was in the plastic bag. Uncle Jake sat down with us and dumped out three chocolate bars.

Weirdo and Uncle Jake promptly pulled theirs from the wrapper and licked the entire bar up and down. Then they set to taking huge bites. I unwrapped half of mine and took only a few bites before they had finished theirs. Uncle Jake reached for mine, and I pulled it away.

“You ate your’s. This one is mine.”

Weirdo also reached for mine and said, “But you didn’t lick it all the way. Whatever you haven’t licked belongs to anybody.”

I quickly unwrapped the rest of mine and went to lick it when Uncle Jake tried to snatch it from me. He accidentally knocked the bar from my hand and it flew onto the floor, sliding beneath the counter.

Uncle Jake lept from the table and reached his hand beneath the counter. Suddenly he stopped and opened his eyes real wide.

“What do we have here?”

Uncle Jake pulled a small dusty box from beneath the counter and placed it on the table. We gathered around closely and stared at the box.

“What do you think it is, Uncle Jake?”

“Well, it could be anything? Whoever owned this sweet RV before me must have forgotten this under there.”

I said that maybe it was filled with rubies. Weirdo and Uncle Jake laughed at me. Weirdo put his ear to it.

“I think I can hear a voice in there. Do you think there could be a fairy in there?”

Uncle Jake listened.

“I don’t hear anything. If there’s a fairy in there, it’s probably dead.”

I suggested that they open it to see. Uncle Jake blew the dust off the top and very carefully opened the lid.

“Dear sweet Jesus, would you look at these.” Uncle Jake put his fingers in the box and lifted out an old set of dentures. We were in awe.

“Just think of some old geezer riding across the country in this RV, couldn’t remember where he put his teeth,” Unlce Jake said looking back and forth between Weirdo and me. “Now he’s probably laying dead in his grave wondering where his teeth are.”

While Weirdo and Uncle Jake marvelled at the false teeth, I went to the corner where there was a tiny bathroom. I slid the accordian door open and squeezed myself in. It was so small in there I could barely get my pants undone.

When I finished and came out of the bathroom Uncle Jake stared at me.

“What did you just do in there?”

“I went pee.”

“Why did you go in there of all places?”

“Because it’s a toilet.”

“Yeah, a toilet that doesn’t work! Oh great, guess what now?”

“What?”

“Weirdo, go inside and get some paper towels. We have to soak your friend’s pee out of my toilet.”



* * * * *



When we finished soaking all my pee out of the toilet Uncle Jake told us to leave because he wanted to take a nap in his new pad. It was still boiling inside the RV so I was glad to leave. Weirdo and I went and played in his backyard for awhile. When I was ready to go home Weirdo asked me if I wanted to spend the night in the RV.

“Uncle Jake is spending the night at his friend’s house tonight and he said we could sleep in the RV.”

It may have been dusty, broken down and full of mouse poop, but it sure sounded like fun. I went home for dinner and came back later in the evening with my sleeping bag. We played for long while outside, and when it was very dark we went into the RV. It was still like an oven, but was bearable with the fan blowing right on us.

The box with the dentures in it was sitting on the table. We sat at the table and opened the box to look at the teeth again.

“Go ahead, take them out.”

“Your Uncle Jake won’t mind?”

“Heck no. He won’t care.”

I picked up the teeth and looked at them closely. I almost dropped them when I heard a voice outside on the street.

“Weirdo, who was that?”

“I don’t know. What did they say?”

“I didn’t hear.”

It didn’t sound like some person talking. It sounded like somebody moaned. Then we heard it again, but louder.

“Whooooo haaaaassss myyyyyyy teeeeeeth?”

Weirdo and I stared at each other, frozen. The voice came closer, maybe at the beginning of the driveway, I wasn’t sure.

“Whooooo haaaaaassss myyyyyyy teeeeeeth?”

“They want their teeth, Weirdo. Are these their teeth?”

Weirdo shrugged his shoulders and bit on his tongue. He looked more scared than I was.

There was a knock on the far end of the RV.

“Doooooo yoooouuuuu haaaaaaave myyyyyyy teeeeeeeeth?”

There was a knock at the middle of the RV.

“Doooooo yooooouuuuu haaaaaaaave theeemmmmmm?”

A rattle at the door.

“I waaaaaaaaaant myyyyyyyy teeeeeeeeth!”

I stood up and threw the teeth under the counter where Uncle Jake found them earlier.

“I don’t have your teeth. I put them back! I don’t want them! Leave us alone!”

The door shook, someone moaned. Weirdo and I backed away. Weirdo said he peed his pants a little. I looked and there was a dark spot on the front of his shorts.

The door shook again and it opened! Uncle Jake burst through the door holding his belly and laughing. Weirdo fell over holding his belly and laughing too.

“Oh, we got you good. Oh, so good. Weirdo, that was good, peeing your pants a little. Just like I told you to.”

I couldn’t help it. I laughed too. I felt silly to be joked on like that, but I was relieved.

Uncle Jake went over to the cabinet and got on his knees. He reached under it to find the teeth, but he stopped and a strange look came over his face. He pulled his hand out slowly and held it up in the light.

Uncle Jake began wimpering as we all looked at the dark substance covering the side of his hand and running down his wrist. He made an awful face and cried, “Ewww, what is it?”

Weirdo grabbed his arm and looked closely. He sniffed at the stuff, then licked it lightly. Weirdo’s eyes lit up.

“It’s the chocoate bar we forgot beneath the counter! It’s melted like chocolate syrup. Awesome!”

Weirdo and Uncle Jake fell to their knees and reached beneath the counter. They repeatedly dipped their fingers in the melted chocolate and licked them clean.

“Mmmm,” Uncle Jake said, “I didn’t know I bought you a crunch bar.”

I thought for a moment, then said, “You didn’t.”

“Then why is this so crunchy?”

We all realized it at the same time, and in unison shouted, “Mouse poop!”

Weirdo and Uncle Jake ran to the tiny bathroom in the corner of the RV and puked into the toilet. They finished gagging and slid to the floor with their backs against the dirty brown wall, laughing and sighing.

I asked Uncle Jake if his toilet was still broken. He closed his eyes and banged the back of his head against the wall a few times.

“Weirdo, do you favorite uncle a favor. Go get the paper towels.”

We slept in Weirdo’s room that night.

Chapter Twelve, in which I win a rabbit at the fair.

Every summer the county fair opened for a week. One whole week of carnival rides, games, rodeos, crash derbies, junk food, farm animals and the chance to run around it all without having to stay with an adult.

I went with Weirdo and his sister on the third day. Weirdo entered a project into a science competition, and the judging was done so we could see how he placed. I asked Weirdo what his project was. He told me some things are better seen that heard, and refused to tell me.

Uncle Jake drove us there in his RV. The county fair was always in a big field where no grass will grow because of the fair each summer. So the road leading to the fair and the entire parking lot was filled with pot holes that the RV bounced through. It bounced so hard all the cabinets opened up and all of Uncle Jake’s stuff came tumbling out.

“Oh come on guys!” Uncle Jake yelled over his shoulder. “I told you to hold those cabinets shut.”

“No you didn’t.”

“I told you using telekinesis, dope. You know that works, Weirdo. You’re a believer still, aren’t you?”

Weirdo looked ashamed and apologized to Uncle Jake.

A big dust cloud floated in the parking lot because of all the cars driving over bare dirt. We drove through the dust to the far end of the lot, which is where they made all the RV’s park. We got out of the RV and looked upon the sea of parked cars we had to walk through to get to the fair gates.

The dust clouds covered every car with dirt, making them all look the same. Weirdo suggested that we mark X’s in the dust on every car we pass, so it would mark a trail back to the RV in case we got lost.

Uncle Jake said it was a silly idea, because it’s so easy to locate the coolest RV in the lot. We all looked back to where the RV’s were parked. Uncle Jake spray-painted flames on the sides of his, and mounted three black flags above the windshield. One flag said “Rock,” the middle one said “n” and the last flag said “Roll.”

It wasn’t the coolest RV in the lot, but we all agreed that it was the easiest to find. So Weirdo stopped marking X’s on the cars and tried to wipe his dirty finger on me.

* * * * *

We finally made it inside the fair and Uncle Jake took off for a hot dog stand, leaving the three of us by ourselves. We were happy to be in a public place without an adult for the first time all summer.

Weirdo wanted our first stop to be the science building so we could see if he won a ribbon. We made our way past the crafts building and the farming building. Then we came by my favorite building, which was where all the local businesses set up booths and handed out all sorts of free stuff.

Weirdo waved his hand at that building and said how he would hit it up for stuff later in the day.

“Last year I filled two grocery bags with free stuff. I made a list that I memorized and still remember.”

I didn’t care to hear it.

“I had 16 key chains, 33 writing instruments, which are comprised of 14 pencils, 15 pens and box of four crayons: red, blue, yellow and green. I also got 2 rulers, 4 notepads, a frisbee, 9 peppermint candies and a ton of full color brochures.”

“Are you done?”

“No, those were just the highlights. I guess I can tell you the other stuff later.”

* * * * *

We came to the science building and Weirdo ran ahead of us to find his. When we found him he was standing looking at a red ribbon and shaking his head.

“Can you believe this? A red ribbon.”

“What’s wrong with red? You got a ribbon didn’t you?”

“Red is second place. I wanted the blue ribbon. I was sure that I’d win this year.”

Weirdo showed me his project. It was a white poster board covered with pictures, arrows and paragraphs describing how a light bulb works. He did a good job on it.

He led us to the exhibit that won the blue ribbon. It was a huge display of Happy Meal toys. Weirdo pointed at it and wrinkled his brow.

“Every Happy Meal toy since 1984. Each one accompanied by commentary, date of release and the day he ate the Happy Meal. I guess if I have to lose to something, I’d want to lose to this. This is amazing.”

Weirdo shook it off and we went outside to play some carnival games. We ran into Uncle Jake who pulled us aside.

“Listen guys. One of these carnies lost a finger and it ended up in my hot dog bun.”

Weirdo’s sister gagged a little.

“Keep your eyes peeled for a carnie missing a finger. If you find him tell him that you know who has his finger.”

We silently nodded our heads. I hoped we would not come across any one fingered carnies. I knew that most of them were missing teeth, hair and perhaps a few marbles, but I don’t think I ever saw one with missing body parts before.

Weirdo’s sister suddenly squealed and pointed to one of the game tents. She led us to a small animal pen with a low wooden fence around it. Inside the fence were about twenty white rabbits hopping around. There were kids trying to throw hoops around the rabbits.

Weirdo’s sister handed over her tickets to the carnie lady and asked how to play.

“You throw one of them there rings round a rabbit and you take the cotton pickin’ thing home with you.”

Weirdo and I handed over tickets to play also. We stood around the pen tossing rings at the rabbits. Weirdo and his sister missed every time, but on my last throw I ringed a rabbit.

The carnie lady reached in and pulled the rabbit out by the skin on the back of its neck. She tossed it in a big cardboard box and handed it to me.

“Water this thing a few times a day and give it rabbit food when it’s hungry.”

“How do I know when it’s hungry?”

“When you hear its stomach growl, Einstein.”

Weirdo’s sister squealed and said, “You won!” about fifty times. I picked the rabbit up out of the box and looked at it. It was pretty cute, and soft to pet. Then I thought about my parents.

“Oh no. I can’t keep this rabbit. My parents would never let me keep it.”

I asked the carnie lady if I could give the rabbit back because my parents wouldn’t let me have it.

“You should’a thought of that before you threw a ring round its neck. You win it, you keep it. Er, uh, what you kids call it? Oh yeah, no tag backs.”

The lady laughed and showed us her crooked brown teeth. We walked away from the game tent with my new rabbit. I knew Weirdo’s sister wanted to win a rabbit real badly, so I offered it to her.

“Are you serious? I can keep him? Oh thank you!”

She picked it up and held its nose to her nose.

“Oh my god! He has little brown spots on its nose, how cute! I think I’ll name him Speckles.”

She carried the rabbit in her arms and pet it while I carried the empty box. Weirdo wanted to go on some rides so we headed towards them. We got in the line for the Tilt-a-Whirl, which was our favorite.

* * * * *

The carnie who was taking tickets for the ride found a reason to not let most kids ride.

“You, you’re too short. You’ll fly out and get killed. You, you’re too fat. You need two tickets. Do you have two tickets? No? Then get out of line. You, you’re too tall. You could get your head chopped off.”

I felt bad for all the kids who didn’t get to ride, but at least the line moved a lot faster. We wondered if the carnie would find any reason for not letting us ride. When we got the front of the line he looked us over.

“What’s that you have there?”

“He’s a bunny.”

“You can’t carry a rodent on this ride. It could fly out of your arms and get stuck in the gears.”

“Oh please, let me on with him. I’ll hold on really tight.”

“Girl, I lost my patience three hours ago. If you ask me one more time to let that thing on the ride, I’m going to take it and throw it back in the pen you won it from. You got it? Now get out of line.”

We walked away from the ride with our heads low. Weirdo and his sister began to argue.

“I’m not gonna miss all my fun just because of your new pet.”

“You heard what the man said. He was going to take my rabbit away.”

“Then don’t go on the ride. Just sit on the bench while we go.”

“No, you can’t leave me alone. You know that Mom said we have to stick together.”

Weirdo put his hands on his hips and sighed.

“I guess I’ll just have to wait for tomorrow to ride it.”

He kicked at some dirt on the ground and stuck his tongue out at the rabbit. I had an idea.

“Hey, why don’t we just put the rabbit in the box and hide it around the corner so nobody will take it?”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. Then my sister won’t have to act like a baby who’s scared to leave her teddy bear.”

Weirdo’s sister made a face at him then reluctantly agreed to hide the rabbit in the box somewhere out of sight. We put the box behind a ticket booth that was nearby and out of the way. Nobody would walk behind there, so it seemed like a safe place.

We got back in line for the Tilt-a-Whirl and listened to the carnie yell out the reasons why most the kids couldn’t ride.

“You, you look too scared. I don’t want to clean up your puke, so you can’t ride.”

We came to the front of the line and he shut the gate. The ride was full and we would have to wait for the next turn. I looked at the carnie and noticed something. I tapped Weirdo on the shoulder.

“Look at the guy’s hand.”

“Only four fingers?”

“Yeah.”

We looked at each other. Then Weirdo got the carnie’s attention.

“Hey mister, I know who has your finger.”

One of the carnie’s eyebrows went really high, and the other went low as he looked at Weirdo.

“What’d you say? You playin’ a joke on me?”

“No. I know who has your finger. I do.”

“Kid, that’s stupid talk. I know exactly where my finger is.”

He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded up handkerchief. We stepped back quickly and stared at the handkerchief. Did he really have his finger in his back pocket? I didn’t want to see it.

The carnie shook out the handkerchief and blew his nose.

“After it got cutted off, I donated it to sci-ence.”

He said science like it was two words. I guess it sounded more special that way. We were relieved that he was not going to show us his severed finger. Weirdo scratched his head.

“I’m sorry, mister. I had you confused with someone else.”

The carnie stopped the ride and told everybody on it to get the hell off. Then he opened the gate for us to get on. I gave him my ticket, and then Weirdo and his sister handed over their tickets. We climbed the steps and got on the ride.

Other kids handed over their tickets and scrambled around finding open seats. The carnie closed the gate and Weirdo shouted to him.

“Hey, do you know anybody else around here missing a finger?”

“Yeah! You will be if you don’t keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times!”

With that he pressed a button and the ride spun us around so terribly that we all wished we hadn’t gotten on the ride at all. But when the ride was over we ran back in line for one more ride.

* * * * *

After our second ride was finished we went over to where we left Speckles. The box was still there, but the rabbit was not. Weirdo’s sister burst into tears. Weirdo put his arm around her.

“It’s okay sis. It was just meant to be. A rabbit is much happier hopping around a carnival eating garbage and getting chased by hungry carnies.”

She cried harder. I asked her if a funnel cake would make her feel better. She cried no and ran over to an empty porta-potty and locked herself in. Weirdo and I shrugged our shoulders and bought two funnel cakes.

We sat down to eat them at a picnic table nearby. My funnel cake was covered with chocolate syrup, and Weirdo ordered his with cinnamon and sugar. We were halfway done with them when I noticed an empty box nearby. I could see two white ears poking out the top. I pointed it out to Weirdo. Weirdo tried to talk with his mouth full.

“Whoth ith it?”

“I don’t know, but swallow your food before you talk. You just spit funnel cake on my cheek.”

“Thorry.”

We watched the box for a long time to see if anybody was coming back for it. Finally we decided that somebody must have left it there because they didn’t want it. I walked over to it and picked the rabbit up. It wasn’t Speckles, because there were no brown spots on its nose.

“Watch this.”

Weirdo wiped some cinnamon off the funnel cake with his finger and tapped the rabbit on the nose. It sneezed like crazy. But when it was done there was still some cinnamon left and it looked like the brown spots on Speckles.

Weirdo’s sister came running up.

“You found him! Oh thank you, oh thank you!”

She took the rabbit from me and hugged it. Then she kissed it on the nose and all the cinnamon came off. Weirdo and I held our breath.

“Oh my god, that was the sweetest little rabbit kiss ever. Oh, would you look at that! I kissed the speckles right off him. That is so cute!”

Weirdo’s sister was happy again and we decided that was enough excitement for one day at the fair. Anyway, it was time to meet Uncle Jake back at his RV. As we were walking away I heard a little boy crying. I trailed behind Wierdo and his sister to see what the boy was crying about.

“I left Hopsy right here in his box. Daddy, Hopsy is missing!”

I felt awful. I stole a little boy’s pet rabbit. Who could do such a thing? I had to console myself by telling myself that the little boy might find the real Speckles hopping around somewhere. Besides, I reasoned, the little kid would have probably killed the rabbit in a week by not taking proper care of it. Then he’d be really heartbroken. So in the end, I guess I helped him out. At least that’s what I convinced myself of.

I ran to catch up with the others and decided that I wouldn’t tell Weirdo about the little kid. I didn’t want Weirdo getting weird about it.

* * * * *

We finally made it through the dust clouds to Uncle Jake’s RV. He was sitting on the dusty hood with some girl he met inside the fair. It turned out she was a carnie, but she had all her fingers and teeth.

Uncle Jake kissed her on the cheek and she handed him a little piece of paper before running off towards the fair. We all got in the RV and headed home.

When we got to Weirdo’s house his sister ran inside to show their parents the rabbit. We stayed outside and played basketball with Uncle Jake, which was never fun, but it was something to do. Five minutes later Weirdo’s sister came out crying and squeezing the rabbit.

“They said I can’t keep him.”

She held the rabbit out to Uncle Jake.

“Can you keep him in your RV? I promise that I’ll feed him and take him for walks. All you have to do is make a space for him.”

“Are you kidding? What would my girlfriend think if I had a rabbit living in my pad?”

Weirdo asked if that carnie girl he met was already his girlfriend.

“No, but I don’t need to ruin my chances with her by rooming with a wild animal.”

“But we can’t bring him back to the fair because the carnies at the game won’t take him back. I can’t just let him go wild, some dog will kill him. What are we going to do?”

She sat and soaked the back of her rabbit with tears. Weirdo was coming up with all sorts of ideas for what to do with the rabbit.

“We could donate it to a farm, or we could send it to poor kids in Africa as a pet. Oh, I know! We could cut its feet off for lucky rabbit feet.”

Weirdo’s sister cried harder. I wondered if there was a way we could find that little kid at the fair who we took it from. Then I had a great idea.

“Hey guys, remember the carnie at the Tilt-a-Whirl? He said if we tried to get on the ride with the rabbit he was going to throw it back in the pen.”

Weirdo’s sister’s eyes lit up.

“Yeah! That would make me feel so much better.”

* * * * *

Uncle Jake let the rabbit stay in his RV for one night, since he didn’t plan on having any chicks over that night. The next day we all rode in the RV to the fair again.

We bought a few tickets for rides and went directly to the Tilt-a-Whirl. The same one-fingered carnie was there again, yelling at everybody and making up reasons for why they couldn’t ride. When it was our turn he looked at us and shook his head back and forth with a frown.

“What did I tell you kids? Tryin’ to take a rabbit on my ride two days in a row! What, are you stupid?”

He grabbed the rabbit from us and marched over to the pen where the other rabbits were. He threw the rabbit in. It landed on its feet but it rolled with the momentum a couple times. Weirdo’s sister flinched when she saw that, but the rabbit seemed to be fine from where we were standing. My plan had worked.

The carnie came back and looked us over, looking for a reason why we couldn’t ride. He must have figured the loss of the rabbit was punishment enough so he let us on. When the ride was over Weirdo’s sister thanked me.

We exited the ride and Weirdo wanted to go get his light bulb project to take home. We walked to the science building and down the row where his exhibit was. Instead of a red ribbon, there was now a blue ribbon on the corner of his project.

“Wow, a blue ribbon! I can’t believe it. The judges must have changed their mind! I knew it was a winner.”

We walked over to where the Happy Meal toy exhibit was and noticed there was no ribbon at all on it. Instead there was a paper taped to the bottom of it. Weirdo picked it up and read it.

“Upon further inspection of this exhibit the judges discovered that many of the Happy Meal purchase dates where falsified, and that many of the toys were purchased at garage sales. Therefore this entry is disqualified from judging.”

Weirdo shook his head slowly.

“I knew it was too good to be true. How could a kid have collected every toy from every series? I get the same darn toy every time I go.”

Weirdo took the blue ribbon from his light bulb exhibit and pinned it to his shirt. We started walking out of the fair towards the parking lot. Weirdo’s sister frowned as we walked.

“I’m glad that Speckles is safe and someone may win him to take home, but I’m still sad that I don’t get to keep him. I wish I didn’t have to give him back.”

* * * * *

I thought about the little boy and his rabbit. I still felt horrible, especially since Weirdo’s sister didn’t even get to keep it. The thought of telling her that it wasn’t really Speckles that I found occurred to me. I decided to pose a question to her.

“What would make you feel worse, having Speckles for a day and then give him back, or never finding him at all after you lost him?”

She stopped walking and thought about it for a minute.

“I guess I’m glad that I got to keep him for one night. Because if you never found him last night I would have been a wreck for weeks!”

That was the answer I hoped for. I never wanted to tell anybody that I stole a rabbit from a little boy.

We passed out of the fair into the parking lot and I heard a man talking to his son.

“See, Benny? I told you we could come back today and win another one.”

I turned around and saw the little boy from the day before with a big cardboard box and a huge grin.

“Yeah, and he even looks just like Hopsy did.”

I couldn’t believe it. Happy endings never happen that perfectly. I was about to whisper what happened to Weirdo when we heard a woman yelling behind us. We turned and saw Uncle Jake trying to block punches from the carnie girl he kissed the day before.

“You lying creep! I can’t believe you! Don’t even think about calling me!”

She tried hitting him more as he ran towards us.

“Go! Run away! She’s coming! C’mon, let’s go!”

We turned and ran with Uncle Jake to the RV. I looked over my shoulder and saw the carnie girl chasing us. We jumped in the RV and locked the doors. Uncle Jake started it up and peeled away. The carnie girl stood in the middle of the parking lot shaking her fist and yelling things we couldn’t hear.

“Uncle Jake, what happened?”

Uncle Jake shook his head and wouldn’t say a word. Weirdo asked again.

“What the heck did you do to make her so mad?”

Again, Uncle Jake shook his head quietly. At the next stop sign he turned around and faced us.

“Kids, never trust a carnie.”

I never have since.

Chapter Eleven, in which Fatso makes a funny

One day on the bus I asked why Weirdo was in fifth grade and not fourth grade like me, since we were the same age.

"I thought you would ask me that someday. I guess you're ready for the truth."

I rolled my eyes.

"My parents and the principal decided that I should skip second grade because they thought it would be too boring for me."

"Second grade was boring for me, and I didn't get to skip it."

"Yeah, but my boredom is on account of my superior brain."

I was about to tell Weirdo that that must be the reason why his head is so huge, but I was interrupted by an ugly, freckled face.

"I knew that's why you can't do any pull-ups in PE."

It was Mike, the bus bully.

"You're such a dweeb that nobody even knows your real name... Weirdo!"

"That's because you can't handle my real name."

"What? That's stupid. I bet it's a girl's name. C'mon, tell it to me."

"Fine. What's your name."

"You know my name, doofus. What's your name?"

"I told you. What's your name."

"I'm asking you!"

"And I'm telling you. What's your name."

"What's your name?"

"No, that's my name."

"Quit being weird or I'll give you a Charlie horse."

There are five ways of hurting another kid that don't count as picking a fight. They are: the Charlie Horse, the Noogie, the Wedgie, the Indian Rug Burn and the Corkscrew. You can use them on another kid, and the worst that will happen is they will use one back on you. But an actual fight never results until someone gets shoved.

Facing a possible charlie horse, and the litany of torture that could follow, Weirdo bravely spoke in a funny accent.

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father. Prepare to die."

Mike scratched his head and looked out the corner of his eye. Then he shook his head and punched Weirdo hard in the shoulder. I winced and Weirdo cowered. Mike was looking proud of his achievement when we heard a strange, high voice nobody had ever heard before. I thought for a moment it could have been Mickey Mouse.

"Leave him alone!"

We all turned around to find the fattest kid on the bus (and in the school) had spoken for the first time that anybody could remember. We stared with wide eyes at the kid who was so fat that one butt cheek touched the side wall of the bus, and the other hung over into the aisle.

"You are a big bully and you should not pick on other kids."

Not only was he speaking, but his first words were used to stand up to a bully, something most of us wouldn't even do with our last words. Mike was delighted. He stood up and moved into the aisle.

"Ha, not only are you fat, but you have an old lady's voice too!"

Fatso crossed his chubby arms over his large stomach and squinted his eyes at Mike.

"Do you want a Noogie."

Fatso pursed his lips and said, "You can't keep picking on us like this."

He was inspiring us all, despite that Mike was already in position and rubbing his knuckles hard into Fatso's skull. Even though I was not involved yet, I knew that I was next in line simply because I was nearby, which meant that I would be getting either the Wedgie, the Indian Rug Burn or the Corkscrew. I decided to attack first.

While Mike was busy with the Noogie I stepped into the aisle and kicked him hard in the shin. He fell to his knees holding his leg and whimpered. I had not used one of the fair implements of torture. A kick was a fight starter. I just picked a fight with the bus bully! My face got hot and I felt real dizzy. I told myself, whatever happens try not to cry.

Suddenly the bus stopped and the driver called out, "Mike, your stop."

Mike glared at me and pushed by to exit the bus. I sat down among Weirdo and Fatso's congratulations for picking a fight with a bully and walking away unharmed.

Weirdo turned to Fatso and studied him. He said jokingly, "You have some explaining to do."

Fatso was happy to speak.

"I've decided to turn over a new leaf. My dad is reading a book on assertiveness training and he's teaching me what he learns. He and I are going to help each other lose weight and start making friends. So he said that I have to start getting out of the house and make friends at school to help divert my attention from food and tv."

Weirdo and I agreed that he could be our friend.

"And my dad is trying to teach me how to be funny. Watch this and tell me if it's funny."

Fatso pretended to take his nose off and eat it. Then he pretended to spit it back out and put it back on his face.

"Was that funny?"

We shook our heads no, then asked Fatso if he wanted to come over to Weirdo's house after school and play basketball. It turned out that he did not live far from us and he could walk over without getting too out of breath.

* * * * *

That afternoon Weirdo and I waited for Fatso to come over. We saw his huge figure waddling down the street. He was wearing red, white and blue sweatbands around his head and wrists, but he still had on the button-up shirt and jeans he wore to school that day. Fatso never played basketball before, so we told him the rules and said that he could just stand by the basket and try to stop us from doing layups.

Weirdo and I dribbled the ball around him while Fatso kept trying to tell jokes. He could never get it right though.

"There was this guy who needed a job, so he got one at the zoo pretending to be a lion. But when the gorilla got in his cage... wait a second, the guy was pretending to be a gorilla and the lion got in his cage... no, wait. He accidentally got in the lion's cage and... ummm."

We kept telling him that he wasn't funny yet, but encouraged him to keep trying.

After a few minutes we noticed Mike riding his bike down the street towards us. When he came closer we saw he had a sandwich bag filled with gravel. As he passed by the driveway he flung the bag open and sprayed us with the rocks.

We tried to act like we didn't notice, but Weirdo had a rock stuck in his ear that I had to help him get out. Mike came riding back up the street again and whipped another bag of gravel at us. One rock hit me in the teeth and Fatso got hit in the forehead with a couple. Weirdo didn't get hit that time because he hid behind Fatso.

Mike threw several more bags of rocks at us in the same way. We decided that he wasn't going to stop any time soon, so we needed to do something. We discussed things we could do to make him stop. Weirdo said we could build a giant shield out of old milk jugs, and Fatso suggested that we use our positive thoughts to guard us from the rocks. We hadn't finalized our plan when Mike returned again.

I quickly picked up a rock the size of a Silly Putty egg and threw it at Mike as he rode by. The rock hit him directly at the top of his forehead. The blow stunned him and the handlebars on his bike wobbled crazily. His balance was lost and he crashed into the muddy ditch on the other side of the street.

Mike slowly got to his feet. He was covered in mud, which we laughed at hysterically. Then we saw a stream of dark, red blood running down his face. We stopped laughing and watched silently as Mike felt at his bloody forehead and started balling. He got on his bike and rode home, leaving dots of blood and mud on the road behind him.

We didn't know whether to be proud and happy, or terrified. I was feeling sick to my stomach, but felt better when when Weirdo patted my shoulder and told me I had incredible aim.

* * * * *

We played basketball for about ten more minutes. Fatso kept us from the basket every time. He was so big that we couldn't get near the hoop, and every time he knocked the ball away from us he called out in his high voice, "Not on my turf!" We decided to play something else.

"Weirdo, I hope you didn't mind me calling this my turf. I know it's your driveway."

"Hey, no problem. Whatever keeps you out of the cupboard is cool with me."

We were making our way to Weirdo's front door when a car screeched into the driveway. First we saw a lady in a bathrobe jump out of the car, then we saw Mike sitting in the passenger seat with a bloody rag on his head and looking as sad as could be.

"Go get your parents, you rotten bullies!"

We all looked at each other, not sure what to do. Weirdo's dad must have heard the car pull up, because he came outside asked the lady what was wrong.

"These kids are wrong, that's what! And your parenting skills are probably all wrong too! Who taught these kids to throw rocks at innocent children riding their bicycles?"

Weirdo's dad looked us over. He took a long time looking Fatso over.

"Is this true, kids? Did you throw a rock at that poor boy?"

"Why are you asking them? Isn't the evidence sitting right there in my car? Look at my poor son. Who's going to pay the doctor to stitch up that gash?"

I must have been looking the guiltiest. After all, I felt like I was about to pass out or throw up. Weirdo's dad wrinkled his forehead and put his hand firm on my shoulder.

"You have some explaining to do."

Weirdo and his dad were always saying the same things.

I didn't know what to say. I had thrown a rock that hit Mike in the head. I couldn't deny it. I was looking to Weirdo and Fatso for help, but they looked as sick to the stomach as I did.

I decided to just open up my mouth to see what came out first, a horrible excuse or a load of puke. Before I could let anything out, we heard loud footsteps walking up the driveway from the street.

A huge man, with arms the size of Weirdo's entire dad, was walking straight at me with a mean stare. Oh no, I thought, is this Mike's dad? I thought about telling Weirdo that he could have my boombox if I died.

The man walked right up to me and demanded, "Are you the one who threw that rock?"

My head nodded up and down a little. This was surely the end of my life. Then the man walked behind Fatso and put his hands on his shoulders.

"Do you think you can teach my son to throw like that?"

Everybody's eyes popped wide open and stared at the man, except for Fatso who patted the man's hand and said to him, "I learned how to play basketball today, dad."

Mike's mom threw her arms into the air.

"Somebody had better start writing me a check for my son's poor head. And I'll get the police involved if you keep condoning this kid's behavior."

Fatso's dad stepped forward and looked down his big belly at her. His voice boomed.

"Woman, you get in that car of yours and drive that no good excuse of a son home. I saw the whole thing from my front porch and was about to take care of that jerk myself until this fine young man," he patted my head, "exercised his precision aim in a brave act of self defense."

Mike's mom turned bright red in the face. She walked backwards to her car waving her finger at Fatso's dad.

"Nobody calls my son a jerk but me!"

She got into the car and slammed the door shut. She whacked Mike on the arm and said stuff we couldn't hear as she pulled away. Mike wouldn't look at us the entire time.

Fatso tried another joke, but gave up before the punchline.

* * * * *

The next day on the bus ride home Mike sat by his self at the front of the bus with a bandage on his forehead. Everybody kept asking him what happened. Each time he acted real cool and said that he went hunting with his cousin and a stray bullet grazed him. When Weirdo bravely asked him what happened he just turned away and frowned.

We sat several seats behind Mike, and Fatso sat behind us. Almost the whole bus ride we discussed what happened the day before. We decided that we wouldn't tell anybody else the truth about Mike's head, but we weren't sure if we should still be afraid of him anymore.

We pulled up to Mike's stop, and Fatso decided to test the waters. As Mike was exiting the bus, Fatso called out to him in his cartoon voice and to the tune of nanny nanny boo boo.

"My dad yelled at your mom."

Mike stopped for a moment, but didn't look back at us. He just scrunched his face up and got off the bus.

Weirdo and I looked at each other, then at Fatso as we both said, "Now that's funny."