Friday, February 29, 2008

Chapter Seventeen, In which I have Thanksgiving with Weirdo

On the Friday after Thanksgiving I got a call from Weirdo.

“Hey, do you want to have Thanksgiving dinner with us?”

“What, you mean next Thanksgiving?”

“No, this Thanksgiving.”

“You’re a little late aren’t you? It was yesterday.”

“Well, we are having Thanksgiving today because my mom had to work all day yesterday.”

I didn’t even know Weirdo’s mom had a job. I still don’t think she had a job, but I didn’t worry too much about that. I counted myself lucky to get a Thanksgiving dinner two days in a row. I put my jacket on and walked over to Weirdo’s house.

When I came to his driveway I saw a big sign hanging in the window of Uncle Jake’s RV. It was a messy drawing of a turkey eating a person. Uncle Jake had written “Happy People Day” at the top. I knew it was Uncle Jake who wrote it because in the corner he also wrote “The Dragon Bleeders Rock!”

I rang Weirdo’s doorbell and his Uncle Luis answered. He was wearing his gloves and sunglasses and standing there at the door looking at me like he wasn’t sure if he knew me. Finally he asked if I needed something. I was surprised to see him because I didn’t see his bike outside the house, plus I was still embarrassed about the last time I met him.

“I… I… I…” The reason I was there totally escaped me.

“Did Weirdo invite you over to partake in the bountiful spread of our Thanksgiving dinner?”

I had no idea what he was talking about, but I recognized the word ‘Thanksgiving’. He spoke very friendly to me, which made me feel more comfortable around him, especially after making fun of him and his goofy bike so much.

“Yeah, Weirdo invited me.” I glanced behind myself and asked, “Where is your bike? I didn’t see it.”

“Oh, that wacky excuse for a vehicle?” I thought for a moment he was trying to make me feel bad. “I sold that thing a couple weeks ago. I was getting a little embarrassed riding that thing around. Why ride on two wheels when you can ride on eight?” Uncle Luis reached behind the door and picked up a pair of old white roller skates. He put the skates down and closed the door behind me as I came in the house. I didn’t say anything about the skates, I learned my lesson already.

Everyone was already gathering around the dining room and I could smell great food as I walked up the stairs.

I came into the dining room and looked at the table. They put the extra leaves in the table so it was super long and there eight chairs around it. On the table was a humongous platter with all the food on it. There were mashed potatoes, corn, jellied cranberries, stuffing, biscuits, green beans, sweet potatoes and the turkey all cut up and ready to eat at the center of it all.

When everyone sat down I tried to get a chair next to Weirdo, but his sister and Uncle Jake got there first. I ended up sitting between Uncle Luis, who took his glasses off but still wore his gloves, and Weirdo’s Grandpa Carl, who I never met before.

I tried to say hello to Grandpa Carl, but he was so old that I don’t think he even knew there was anybody sitting next to him. Uncle Jake heard me say hello to him and laughed.

“Don’t even try man. G-man Carl is so far gone that he probably thinks your Weirdo.”

I looked at Grandpa Carl, who was staring at his plate and fiddling with his fingers. He turned to me slowly and said, “Now that’s a good boy.”

Once everybody was seated at the table Weirdo’s dad announced, “How about we all give our thanks for this great food?” He looked to his right and said, “Let’s start with you, Mother.”

“Well,” Weirdo’s mom folded her hands and closed her eyes, “I would like to thank the good lord for his many blessings this year, and for the gifts he has provided for this Thanksgiving meal. Thank you, Jesus our lord and savior.”

Grandpa Carl called out, “And also with you.”

Uncle Jake chuckled and said, “We’re not in church Grandpa.”

Everyone else laughed a little too. Then Weirdo’s dad straightened up in his chair and folded his hands.

“I would like to thank the magnificent ways of natural selection for evolving the elements of the universe into this delicious Thanksgiving feast.”

Grandpa Carl started to say “And also…” but Weirdo’s mom politely patted him on the hand to make him stop.

Next it was Uncle Jake’s turn. He scratched at his beard and looked at the corner of the ceiling.

“I am thankful for electric guitars.”

Weirdo’s eyes lit up. He grabbed Uncle Jake’s wrist and said, “Hey, I was going to say I’m thankful for electricity. That’s kind of the same thing. What a coincidence!”

Uncle Jake pulled his wrist away and rolled his eyes. Weirdo sat up in his chair and put his finger in the air.

“I’m thankful for…”

We all said at the same time, “Electricity.”

Weirdo frowned and said, “Hey, that’s not fair.” Then he turned to his sister and said, “I guess it’s your turn.”

Weirdo’s sister slouched a little further in her chair and said so quietly we almost couldn’t hear, “I’ll be thankful when I get these braces off.”

“And also with you,” Grandpa Carl said.

Weirdo’s dad motioned to Uncle Luis, who was picking lint balls from his gloves.

“Oh, my turn?” He put his hands in his lap. “I’m thankful for smoothly paved sidewalks.”

My turn was next. I should have been thinking about what to say instead of listening to everyone else, because my mind was totally blank. I tried to buy some time by speaking very slowly.

“I… am… thank… ful… for…”

“Spit it out,” Uncle Jake demanded.

“I’m thankful for… uh… uh…”

Weirdo’s mom said in her overly sweet voice, “There must be something you’re thankful for. Are you thankful for your family?”

I nodded my head.

“Are you thankful for your school?”

I wasn’t, but I nodded my head anyway.

“See, there are plenty of things to choose from. Just pick one.”

I still couldn’t think of anything. I closed my eyes and thought really hard, then decided that I would just open my eyes and say I was thankful for the first food I saw on the table. I opened my eyes and tried to look at the food, but Weirdo was crossing his eyes and puckering his lips at me, trying to make me laugh.

“Weirdo,” I said. “I’m thankful for Weirdo.”

Everybody was very quiet for a second. Then they burst out in laughter.

Weirdo’s sister said, “Oh come on, you can’t be serious.”

I nodded my head and confirmed, “No, really, I’m thankful for Weirdo.”

When I said that everybody got really quiet again and looked down at their plates. Weirdo spoke up.

“That’s kind of weird, man.”

Weirdo’s dad said, “Well, to each their own.” Then he turned to Grandpa Carl and said, “You’re up, old man.”

Grandpa Carl put his wrinkled finger against his chin like he was thinking really hard for something to say. We waited for two minutes. Finally he opened his mouth, but no sound came out. We waited some more.

He opened his eyes wide like he had an idea. He pulled his finger from his chin and put it in the air and said, “I was born on Christmas Day.”

Everyone laughed, and Grandpa Carl put his finger back on his chin and muttered to himself. Then everybody put their napkins on their laps and situated their plates and silverware in front of them.

I figured it was time to dig in when I saw Uncle Jake scooping some mashed potatoes onto his plate. I reached out took a biscuit from the platter, and then reached for the big fork used to dish out the turkey.

“Whoa, hungry little feller,” Weirdo’s dad put his hand on my hand to stop me from picking up the turkey fork. “I don’t know how you do Thanksgiving in your house, but that’s not the way we do it here.”

I figured he was talking about me reaching across the table. I wasn’t allowed to do that at home for any meal, but I didn’t think I was reaching that far.

“Sorry, can you please pass me the turkey?”

“You’re just not getting the message are you?” Weirdo’s dad gestured to the rolls in front of me. “You’ll need to wait your turn for the turkey. There are plenty of rolls for you right now.”

I wondered what the heck he was talking about. Then I looked around the table and saw what he meant. Weirdo was scooping all the corn onto his plate. Weirdo’s mom was removing all the stuffing from the platter and putting it on her plate. Uncle Luis took all the sweet potatoes. Uncle Jake took all the jellied cranberries. Weirdo’s sister took all the mashed potatoes. Weirdo’s dad took all the turkey, and there was a lot of turkey. Grandpa Carl was putting all the green beans on his plate, one at a time.

That left the biscuits for me. I felt weird doing it, but I piled all the biscuits on my plate and watched the others to see what they would do next.

Before I had time to guess what they were up to, they all dived into their plates like this were the first and last Thanksgiving they ever had.

“Coo it, Unga Jage,” Weirdo said with his mouth full of corn. Little yellow pieces spit out as he talked. “Weave some cwanbewies fo a wes of us.”

Uncle Jake slowed down a bit, took a big bite of cranberries and said, “don cawk wi yo moug fur.”

I munched on a biscuit, feeling bummed that I wouldn’t get to eat any of the other food. I wondered why in the world they would eat this way. Who ever heard of eating a plate of just one thing for Thanksgiving?

I was halfway through my biscuit when Weirdo’s dad called out, “Switch!” Everybody put their silverware down and pushed their plates to the person sitting to the left of them.

The half eaten biscuit was still in my hand when I pushed my plate to Grandpa Carl. He saw that I was still holding on to my biscuit.

“Thief! He’s a thief. Your son is a thief!”

Everybody stopped what they were doing and stared at me. Weirdo’s dad told me to give the biscuit in my hand to Grandpa Carl. I thought it would have been rude to pass half eaten food to someone else, but I just went along and put the biscuit on top of the rest of them and finished scooting the plate over to Grandpa Carl.

Uncle Luis passed his plate of sweet potatoes to me. I hated sweet potatoes. I could only imagine what kind of goofy rule they had for not eating what was in front of me, so I took tiny little bites but mostly just pushed the food around on the plate so it looked like I was eating it.

I looked next to me because Grandpa Carl’s head fell into the plate of biscuits. He immediately started snoring.

Weirdo shouted, “Free biscuits!” then explained to me that if someone falls asleep at the table you don’t have to wait for that plate to be passed around. I took my half eaten biscuit back and the rest out to the others around the table.

It seemed like forever before the mashed potatoes came to me. There was plenty left, but they were a little cold. Plus, there was no butter or gravy to put on them. Weirdo’s mom said, “Not everybody likes butter or gravy, so it wouldn’t be right to ruin a perfectly good plate of mashed potatoes with unwanted accoutrement.”

I asked what accoutrement meant, and Uncle Jake snapped, “It means butter and gravy. What did you think it means?”


* * * * *


Finally the plates had been passed around twice and Weirdo’s dad announced, “Last call!” Weirdo explained to me that last call means the plates would go around one last time, so you better get enough of your favorite food because you wouldn’t get another chance.

Everybody began eating faster and messier. I had my eyes on the jellied cranberries, and they were going fast. The rule was that you could not finish the entire plate of something unless it was the plate you started with and everybody had gotten two turns with it. So I wasn’t too worried about there being enough cranberries. Although, when they finally came to Uncle Luis, which meant that I was next, there was the tiniest little bit left. Uncle Luis knew the rule, so he just took a tiny little speck and ate it very slowly while he waited for Weirdo’s dad to call out “switch”.

When it was time to switch I sat looking at the little dab of cranberries left on the plate. There wasn’t even enough to fill my fork. I decided to try something sneaky. When everybody was staring out the window admiring a red cardinal on the birdfeeder, I at the rest of the cranberries in one quick bite. Then I lifted up Grandpa Carl’s head and pulled out the biscuit plate and slid the cranberries plate in its place. Then I started munching on one of the many biscuits that was left as if nothing happened. When the bird flew away nobody even noticed what I did.

Finally all the plates were passed around and everybody sat back in their chairs and sighed. One by one they all got up from the table, leaving all the plates and uneaten food, then left the dining room; everybody except for Grandpa Carl, who was still asleep, and me, who was wondering where everybody went.

I walked away from the dining room to look for Weirdo. Uncle Luis was sleeping on the couch in the family room, and Uncle Jake was sleeping on the floor next to the couch. Weirdo’s sister’s door was cracked open and I could see her sleeping on her bed. Weirdo’s parent’s door was closed, and so was his. I cracked it open and saw him sleeping on his bed.

I thought for a moment about finding some place to fall asleep too, but I didn’t want to be around when Grandpa Carl woke up and somebody would need to explain why there was cranberry juice all over the side of his face. So I decided it would be best if I just went home.

When I got there my mom asked how Thanksgiving at Weirdo’s was. I told it her was okay. Then I asked her what accoutrement means.

“Accutra what?”

“Accoutrement.”

“I don’t know, but it sounds French. Why? Where did you hear it?”

I said, “Oh, nevermind. I read it in a food book at Weirdo’s.” Then I went and lay down on my bed.

Thanksgiving at Weirdo’s was by far the strangest meal I ever ate, but I can’t disagree at all with one thing. The nap afterwards is the best idea ever.

No comments: