Chapter Ten, in which Weirdo gets a mouthful

Weirdo’s family pulled in front of my house and honked the horn. Weirdo ran up to my house and rang the doorbell. All this even though I was sitting in a lawn chair in the driveway.

When Weirdo finally saw me he said, “Didn’t you hear me ringing the doorbell?”

“No, because I was right here the whole time.”

“Well you make people wait. We have to get to the beach before it gets too crowded. Did you go toity?”

“Yes, Daddy.”

“Did you get any on you?”

“Shut up.”

Weirdo spit at me and got me in the leg. He laughed and said, “Oops, I got some toity on you!”

We got in the car and I told on him. His mom said, “Oh, a little spittle never hurt anybody.”

His sister chirped in, “At least he just got it on your leg and not all over the seat like you did when you couldn’t find the opening of the toity jar.”

Everybody laughed, except me. I wanted to get them all back somehow for this. I decided I would just get Weirdo back for now. I knew it was going to be a long ride, so I stopped swallowing and saved all my spit.

I just sat there quietly the whole ride. While they were all singing about how Jesus is the rock that never rolls, or something like that, my cheeks were growing larger. My throat was getting dry, but this would be worth it.

Finally we reached the beach. Everybody got out of the car and I met Weirdo face to face.

“What are you doing?” he demanded.

Kaplooey! I spewed an hour’s worth of spit onto Weirdo’s bare chest. I didn’t realize my cheeks could hold so much. The spit covered his entire upper chest and ran down to his belly and into his shorts.

Weirdo stood there in shock. He looked up at me with eyes that said ‘what did I ever do to you?’ Then he screamed like a little girl and ran for the water.

* * * * *

We had a great time swimming. After Weirdo washed all the spit off he acted like he forgot about the whole thing. It started getting late so we dried off and got back in the car.

Weirdo was extremely quiet on the way home. Even when the rest of them were singing he didn’t yell NO like he usually does when the devil threatens to blow out the little light of his.

I began to notice his cheeks getting bigger. Then I knew what he was up to. I watched him nervously, and he sat there looking straight ahead. Those cheeks were getting bigger and bigger.

We were almost home and I was very worried. I knew what would be coming as soon as we got out of the car. And I wouldn’t have the luxury of jumping in the lake to wash off like he did.

His dad rounded the corner to our neighborhood. In just a few moments I would be drowning in Weirdo’s spit. He had much more cheek space than I did.

We came to Weirdo’s house. I was ready to make a run for it before the car even stopped moving. But his dad turned too sharply into the driveway and the tires on the right side ran off the road and up into the driveway. The car bounced hard, causing Weirdo to choke on some of his spit. I saw his cheeks clench. His eyes looked very worried. Weirdo held his hand to his mouth, but it was too late. He couldn’t hold it any longer.

A gallon of spit gushed forward from Weirdo’s mouth onto the back of the front seat, the back of his mom and dad’s head and all down his own chest into his lap. His sister and I burst into laughter. His dad turned around and yelled, “What in spit’s name?”

Even though there was no danger of getting caught in Weirdo’s spit storm anymore, I still got out of the car quickly and rushed home. At least I was dry.

Chapter Nine, in which I learn what a BM is

Weirdo and I were walking through the woodsy area that separated our neighborhoods. Kids would sometimes hang out there after school. On this day we were the only ones there.

We were about to climb a tree when Weirdo started groaning.

“What’s wrong?”

“Ohhh, I have to do a BM.”

“A what? What’s a BM?”

“You know, a BM. Not a toity, but a…”

“Why do you call it a BM?”

“Because poop sounds stupid. Oh man, I have to go bad.”

“So go home and do it.”

“No, I can’t. It’s coming now.”

“We’re in the woods, just go behind that tree.”

“No, I can’t. Last time I tried going behind a tree it landed on ankle and I didn’t know till I got home and my mom smelled it.”

There was a white bucket laying near some garbage. I grabbed it and took the lid off, it was empty.

“Here, use this then. It’s like a toilet.”

“Okay, that will work.”

Weirdo took the bucket behind a tree and sat on it. He groaned for a long time.

“What’s taking you so long?”

“It’s prairie dogging.”

“What?”

“You know how a prairie dog pops his head in and out of its hole?”

“Oh man, you’re sick. Just finish and call me when you’re done.”

After a few minutes Weirdo called out to me that he was done and that now he needed something to wipe with. I suggested he grab some leaves.

“Oh no, oh no. Just my luck I’ll get some poison ivy. Leaves of green, let it be. Everything around here is green.”

“No, that’s leaves of three, let it be.”

“That’s not what Uncle Jake says. Please run to my house and get some toilet paper for me. But don’t tell my parents I’m doing a BM out here.”

I unwillingly agreed and ran to his house and up to the bathroom. There was no toilet paper on the roll. I checked under the sink, nothing. I checked in the linen closet, nothing.

I ran back to where Weirdo was sitting on the bucket and humming.

“I couldn’t find any.”

“What do you mean you couldn’t find any? There’s a ton of it in the bath tub. Why didn’t you look there?”

I ran back to his house, up to the bathroom and pulled back the shower curtain. Uncle Jake was asleep in the bathtub. The water was filled all the way and all his clothes were still on. The toilet paper was soaked. So I grabbed a newspaper off the table on the way out.

Weirdo was still humming the same song when I returned.

“Your Uncle Jake was in the bathtub with his clothes on and the paper was all wet.”

“Yeah, he usually does that when he has a concert the night before. He says he needs to cool off from being smoking hot all night.”

“I brought you a newspaper though.”

“Oh, not today’s newspaper! My dad hasn’t read it yet.”

“I’m not getting anything else. Use it or nothing at all.”

Weirdo took it and muttered to himself as he prepared to wipe. “I guess I can use the comics. Mom usually throws them out anyway, on account of it being inappropriate humor.”

He finished up and we put the lid back on the bucket. We were about to throw the bucket deeper into the woods when we heard a voice.

“What are you losers doing?”

It was Blake, the biggest jerk in the neighborhood.

“What’s in the bucket?”

Weirdo and I looked at each other. We both said, “Nothing.”

“Come on freaks, show me what’s in the bucket or I'll tell everybody you two were making out.”

I took the bucket from Weirdo and walked it over to where Blake was leaning back against a tree. I backed far away from him after delivering the bucket.

Blake tore the lid off the bucket and looked inside. “What, just a bunch of newspaper comics?” He reached in and grabbed a handfull of newspaper and pulled it out. His face went pale.

The bucket dropped and Blake stepped backward into the tree and knocked himself forward. He tripped and put his hands out to break the fall. His right hand went right into the bucket.

Blake screamed. We ran.

* * * * *

When we were far enough away we stopped and laughed between breaths.

Weirdo held his hand out under my nose. “Smell my hand.”

I took a whiff. “Ohhh, that’s gross. It smells like poop.”

“I thought it might. The newspaper slipped when I was wiping.”

“Then why did you have me smell it?”

“I wanted to know if it smelled?”

“Of course it does. Why didn’t you smell it yourself?”

“What, you think I’m going to smell my own hand after wiping up a BM? That’s sick.”

Chapter Eight, in which I learn that monkeys have uncles

Almost everyday on the bus ride home from school we saw a man riding his bicycle down the street. Even on warm days he wore a stocking cap, thick jacket, pants, boots, gloves, scarf, a fleece band over his ears and big dark sunglasses.

Everybody, including me, would make fun of him. Weirdo, on the other hand, always said that we shouldn’t make fun of him. One day I asked him why not.

“Because I don’t think it’s a very nice thing to do.”

It seemed so strange to me that someone wouldn’t want to make fun of that guy. Even if he didn’t dress like an Eskimo, his bike had crazy stickers and flags all over it. There were streamers coming out the ends of the handlebars and two big baskets on each side of the back tire, usually filled with flattened soda cans.

“Oh come on, Weirdo. That guy is a nut. What’s wrong with saying so?”

“I just don’t think it’s a very nice thing to do.”

* * * * *

One evening I walked to Weirdo’s house and saw a very familiar bicycle parked outside his house. There were stickers and flags all over it, and two big baskets on the back tire.

I rang Weirdo’s doorbell and he let me inside.

“Come on. My Uncle Luis is here. You have to meet him.”

I was just about to ask Weirdo why that crazy guy’s bike was parked out front when we walked into the living room and I saw him sitting on the couch. Weirdo’s parents were there too, and his mom said to me, “Have you met Weirdo’s Uncle Luis yet?”

I quietly said no. I couldn’t believe this was Weirdo’s uncle. There sat the crazy man with the bike. Even though we were inside, and it was seventy-seven degrees outside, he still wore all his winter clothes. The only thing that he took off was his sunglasses. His eyes and the skin around his eyes was all red. He leaned forward and shook my hand with his big gloved hand.

“So Weirdo was just telling us how you and all the other boys on the bus make fun of me each day.”

I looked at Weirdo. Weirdo nodded his head up and down cheerily.

“Yeah, tell my Unlce Luis some of the things you all call him. He’ll laugh. He really thinks it’s funny.”

Everybody giggled and laughed quietly. My face felt hot and I started feeling dizzy. I sat down in a chair across the room and tried to disappear. Everybody stared at me. I tried deflect the attention by pointing at Weirdo’s dad and saying, “Weirdo says that he is missing brains.”

The room became very quiet. Weirdo’s dad sighed.

“Actually, yes, I am missing some brains. I had a tumor many years ago and the doctors had to remove some of my brain to get it out.”

Weirdo’s mom shifted in her seat and said, “That’s right, and it’s not something we talk about lightly. It was a very scary time in our family and I’m sure that Weirdo told you because he thought he could trust you not to make a joke out of it.”

Now I really wanted to disappear. I got up and left. Weirdo met me outside and me how I liked his Uncle Luis.

“Why didn’t you tell me that was your uncle?”

“What difference would that make?”

“Well, I wouldn’t have made fun of him if I knew he was your uncle.”

“My dad always says, ‘Even monkeys have uncles.’”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you never know who you're making fun of. So you shouldn’t do it at all.”

"And monkeys have uncles?"

“Sure. But only on their mom’s side. Because monkeys don’t get married like we do.”

“But my cousin Benny is an only child. He won’t ever be an uncle.”

Weirdo scratched his head for a moment.

“Hold on. Let me go ask my dad about that one.”

Weirdo came back a minute later nodding his head.

“Yeah. My dad says it’s okay to make fun of your cousin Benny.”

It made me feel better, so I told Weirdo that my cousin Benny had three nipples.

Chapter Seven, in which we go camping.

I was invited to go with Weirdo’s family on one of their camping trips. Weirdo always talked about how much fun they have camping, so I figured there was no reason to miss out.

We got to the campsite late and the first thing we did was unpack our swimsuits and beach towels to have a quick dip, but it was too dark and we couldn't find the swimming pond.

We laid our towels across the picnic table and set up our tents in the dark. Weirdo and I shared a tent, his sister got her own and his parents shared one. Our tent leaned to one side really bad, probably because it was on the side of a little hill and we had one pole left that we didn’t know what to do with.

The ground was really hard and rocky. Plus, the slope we were on was so steep that if you moved a muscle your sleeping bag would slide downhill in the tent. I was sleeping downhill from Weirdo. He tosses and turns so much that he kept sliding into me and we both ended up crammed against the side.

In the middle of the night, I woke up. My sleeping bag was soaked and it smelled like pee. I felt Weirdo’s sleeping bag. It was soaked too. I was so confused about who peed. Did we both pee, or did he pee a big gigantic river and let it run downhill to me?

Either way I had to get out of there. I pulled my dripping wet sleeping bag from the tent and brought it down to the creek that ran through the campground. When I got there I took off my wet clothes and put them in the creek with my sleeping bag to rinse out all the pee.

I heard someone cough nearby. I thought I was alone. I hoped I was, because I was naked. I hid behind a tree and looked out from behind it.

Weirdo’s sister was walking near the creek. She was smoking a cigarette. I was so shocked that I stepped out and said, “You’re smoking!”

She gasped and said, “You’re naked!”

I jumped back behind the tree. “You can’t smoke. You’re just a kid."

"I'm older than you. So just mind your own business."

"Is that why you’re teeth are yellow?”

"They are not yellow," she hissed. Then she softened and asked, "are they?"

I was about to tell her just how yellow when there was a rustle in the brush nearby and a low growl. We ran back the campsite. I quickly grabbed one of the beach towels on the picnic table to cover up with.

“Where are your clothes?”

“Oh man, I forgot them in the creek with my sleeping bag.” I noticed something bright coming from the front of the sun dress she had on. “Where is your cigarette?”

“I threw it down by the creek. Why?”

“I think it went in your pocket.”

The front of her dress had a small flame growing at the front. She gasped and tore it off.

I saw her naked.

She grabbed a towel of her own and stomped the fire out and threw the burnt dress behind her tent.

We heard Weirdo coming out of his tent. He didn’t see us and was talking to himself. “Man oh man, one of us sure peed a gallon and a half.”

He took his clothes off and threw them behind our tent along with his sleeping bag. He turned around and saw us. He yelped and grabbed a towel from the picnic table.

We heard a zipper, and out stepped their dad.

“What are you all doing?” We thought we were in trouble deep. “It’s way too late to be going swimming. It's..." he looked at his bare wrist where his watch was before he took it off for the night. "It's too late. Everybody back in your tents.” He disappeared into his tent and zipped it closed.

The three of us stood staring at each other. Weirdo’s sister said, “How about we all just keep our mouths shut about what happened tonight.”

Weirdo said, "What did happen?"

His sister and I both said, "Nothing."

We agreed and went into our tents for the rest of the night.

* * * * *

In the morning we were woken by the sound of Weirdo’s dad calling us out of our tents. He didn’t sound happy.

“Kids, get out here right now. You have some explaining to do.”

The three of us appeared sleepy-eyed at the flaps of our tents.

“Can anybody explain to me why I found a burnt dress behind this tent, and soaking wet clothes and sleeping bags behind this tent and in the creek?”

We were frozen. We weren’t quite sure ourselves what happened. Weirdo’s dad was getting impatient. His sister was about to speak when an old man walked up to our campsite laughing.

“He he, I saw the whole thing, mister.”

“You did?” said Weirdo’s sister.

“Sure did little gal.” He turned to Weirdo’s dad and said, "Friend, these kids of your's are heroes.”

“We are?” asked Weirdo.

“Sure are, kiddo.”

Weirdo’s dad asked, “What did they do?”

“Well, it wasn't pretty,” the old man sounded like he was going to tell an old war story, “but it all started with me down at my campsite late last night. My old dog, Bojangles, got a little too close to the campfire and caught his tail on fire. He tore through the campground so fast I couldn’t catch up. I was scared my poor Bojangles was going to be a crispy critter.”

We all listened closely. We had no idea what the man was talking about.

He continued, “Your kids must have heard the commotion because they jumped out of their tents. Your daughter grabbed Bojangles by the legs. She sure is brave. She’s lucky her whole dress didn’t catch fire. Your boys ran down to the creek and dunked their bags and clothes so they could douse the fire. I guess they were in such a hurry that they forgot half of them down at the creek.”

Weirdo’s dad looked very proud. He put his hands on his hips and puffed his chest out.

Looking us over he said, “Well I guess they are some pretty good kids. They must take after their old man. I once saved a puppy from a hot car in a Walmart parking lot.” He turned to the old man. “Say friend, what’s your name?”

“You can call me Campfire Joe.”

“Well, okay Campfire Joe. Thanks for sharing the story. We’ll see you around, and best of luck to Bojangles.”

* * * * *

The three of us kids searched around the campground later that day for Campfire Joe’s campsite. We didn’t find him anywhere. We went to the campground office and asked the old lady behind the desk if she knew Campfire Joe. She cocked her head and looked at us with squinty eyes. “Who are you looking for?”

“Campfire Joe. We met him earlier today. We’re looking for him and his dog, Bojangles.”

The old lady scratched her head. “Well, that’s Bojangles over there beneath that tree.” There was a dog so old it could barely wag its tail. “But as for Campfire Joe, he died in a tent fire twelve years ago.”

“How did he die?”

“Nobody knows for sure, but most people think that he fell asleep while smoking a cigarette, and when the cigarette dropped out of his mouth he wasn’t awake to see the tent burst into flames. By then it was too late. Old Bojangles, he barely escaped. All that happened to him was his tail caught on fire, but some kids caught him and put the fire out.”

We stared at the old woman. She continued, "That was back before they started making these tents today that are all fire retarded, or whatever they are."

Weirdo suggested, "You mean flame retardant?"

The old lady looked over the top of her big plastic glasses at Weirdo.

We thanked her for the story and walked back to our campsite. On the way we stopped and pet Bojangles. He was so happy to get attention he mustered the strength to wag his scraggly bald-tipped tail.

* * * * *

That night we were sitting around our campfire. Weirdo’s parents left to get more firewood. As soon as they left we saw an old man walking toward us.

“So you like to smoke do you?”

Weirdo’s sister gasped, “Campfire Joe?”

“That’s right. Now you promise me to quit that smoking. Do you hear me?”

She nodded her head up and down real fast.

“And you two.” He turned to Weirdo and me. “Don’t you think it’s time you quit peeing your pants at night. That's kid stuff. You two want to be men someday don't you?”

We nodded, even though we still weren’t sure who it was that did the peeing.

Weirdo asked, “Are you a ghost?”

Campfire Joe said, “I guess I am if you say I am.” With that he turned around and walked away into the darkness. We heard him say over his shoulder, “Remember those promises. Don't go breaking them."

* * * * *

We didn't see Campfire Joe for the rest of our time camping, except for on the day we left. We were driving up the bumpy dirt road towards the highway and we saw Campfire Joe, the old lady and Bojangles sitting in rocking chairs outside the campground office.

The two old people held hands and the dog laid between them. I saw Campfire Joe point at our car and say something that made the old lady laugh.

I know that I broke my promise to Campfire Joe a couple times since then, and I’m sure Weirdo has too. His sister, on the other hand, never smoked again. She also developed a mild fear of matches and old men.

Copyright 2007 Jeffrey A Pierce

Chapter Six, in which Weirdo wears the red pajamas

Another Thursday afternoon on the school bus and Weirdo asked me to sleep over at his house on Friday. I told myself after the last sleep over that I wouldn’t be sleeping in the same room as him again in the future.

“It’s for my birthday. We’re having a little party and my mom said I could have somebody sleep over.”

Well that’s just great. Everybody knows you can’t say no to a birthday sleep over. I tried to get out of it anyway. I told him my mom told me not to make plans for Friday night because we were going to a fish fry with my Great Uncle Al. This worked for about ten minutes.

Weirdo got off at his stop and ran inside. By the time I got home my mom had just gotten off the phone with Weirdo.

“Your friend from down the street called and asked me if it was all right for you to sleep over at his house tomorrow night for his birthday.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I told him it was okay, of course.”

That little sneak.

I couldn’t stop thinking about that awful mask and his creepy eyes. I packed my bag for the sleepover that night. My mom let me borrow her eye mask that she wears when she has trouble sleeping. I told her Weirdo likes to sleep with a really bright night light. I tried it on before I packed it, I couldn’t see a thing through it. I wouldn’t be tempted to look at Weirdo sleeping while wearing this to bed .

* * * * *

Friday evening was a fun time. We played party games, like pin the tail on the kite. Weirdo’s sister said it was mean to pin a tail on a donkey.

When it was nearly bedtime we walked down the hall to Weirdo’s bedroom to get our pj’s on. Weirdo stopped in the bathroom first to wipe birthday cake off his forehead. When I turned one year old my parents let me eat a piece of cake with my hands and get it all over. Apparently Weirdo’s family does that for every birthday.

While Weirdo was in the bathroom Uncle Jake stopped me in the hall. He got down on one knee to talk to me.

“Kid, do you know where we’re from?”

“No.”

“Of course you don’t. We’re from a little village in Pennsylvania. Do you know what’s special about that village?”

I shook my head no.

“Of course you don’t, you’re just a dumb kid. That village is famous because it’s the only village where kids still eat their parents on the morning of their tenth birthday. Every child gets a pair of shiny red pajamas that birthday and they wear them to bed. Do you know why?”

“No.”

“Of course you don’t. It’s so that when the kid wakes up the next morning and they walk down the hall to the kitchen to eat their parents, and blood goes flying everywhere it won’t matter if it gets on the pajamas because they’re already red.”

Weirdo came out of the bathroom with his brown skin mask and said he was going to put his pajamas on. Uncle Jake and I watched him go into the bedroom and shut the door behind him.

“You remember what I said, kid.” Uncle Jake was walking slowly backward away from me. “How do you think I ended up living here? I ate my parents and had nowhere else to go.” Then he pointed at me with one finger, then at his eyes with two fingers, then at Weirdo’s room with one finger and said, “Don’t you take your eyes off him, unless you like the color of blood.”

The door to Weirdo’s room opened and Uncle Jake ran away. Weirdo stood in the hallway wearing shiny red pajamas.

“Look at the pajamas my Aunt in Pennsylvania sent me for my birthday.”

* * * * *

I didn't think much of the red pj's at first, I just went into Weirdo’s room to put on my pajamas. Upon opening my bag I realized that I gave so much attention to remembering my mom’s sleeping mask that I forgot to pack my pajamas.

“Just sleep in your panties,” Weirdo said as he tucked his self into bed. “I do it all the time.”

I was fine sleeping in my underwear, I do it all the time at home too. I slipped into my sleeping bag, and after Weirdo turned the light off I put the sleeping mask on.

I felt good laying there in the dark, not being able to see Weirdo and his creepy sleeping habits. I felt good for a while. Then the curiosity was just too much. I waited a long time before rolling over to peek.

When I was sure that he must be asleep I lifted one corner of the mask and looked across the dark room. There was Weirdo in his shiny red pajamas, that nasty junk on his face and his eyes wide open, staring right at me.

After what Uncle Jake told me, this was spooky. Weirdo and his family got weirder and stranger every time I came over to their house. And now this is what it has come down to. Weirdo eating his parents?

Of course not, I was silly to even think it. Besides, today was his birthday. If Uncle Jake was telling the truth Weirdo would have already eaten his parents, but they were fine. I rolled to my side so my back was turned to Weirdo.

“Why were you looking at me?”

“You’re not asleep?”

“Of course not, I was looking right at you!”

I did not want to go through this again so I just pulled my mask down tight and tried to fall asleep.

“I can’t wait for tomorrow,” Weirdo said suddenly in the dark room.

“Why?”

“Because tomorrow my parents are going to die…”

I sat up and snapped, “What?”

“Whoa, settle down and let me finish. I was saying that tomorrow my parents are going to buy me a new bike for my birthday.”

“Why didn’t they give it to you tonight. Today’s your birthday, right?”

“Actually tomorrow’s my birthday, but we celebrated it tonight because tomorrow we’re going to my cousin’s house to celebrate his birthday tomorrow night.”

“So you and your cousin have the same birthdays?”

“No, his is the day after on Sunday. But his church doesn’t let them celebrate birthdays on Sundays, so they just moved it up a day this year.”

Red pajamas. Aunt in Pennsylvania. He slipped and said his parents were going to die. Today is not his birthday. Things were adding up, and I did not fall asleep for a very long time.

* * * * *

I woke up in the morning because Weirdo was stepping over me on his way to the door. I had crazy dreams all night about red pajamas and people eating people. Weirdo began walking down the hall sleepily, and I could hear his family in the kitchen.

I called out for Weirdo quietly at first, “Weirdo! Stop, come back!” He didn’t hear me. He must have been in a birthday trance that would allow him to eat his parents without thinking it was wrong.

I jumped up out of my sleeping bag and ran after him. When he reached the kitchen table I caught up with him shouting, “No Weirdo, don’t do it!”

Suddenly everything was very quiet. Uncle Jake said, “What are you doing?” Weirdo’s sister said, “Yeah, what are you doing?” His mother said sweetly, “Honey, in this family we don’t come to the table shouting and wearing nothing but our panties.”

It was at that moment I remembered I had not worn pajamas to bed. My face was redder than Weirdo’s pj’s. I ran back down the hall and threw my clothes on as fast as I could.

I tried sneaking out the front door, but Weirdo’s mom saw me and asked, “Don’t you want some milk and cereal before you leave?”

I said, “No thank you,” politely and walked out the door. I could not bear to sit with his family after making a silly fool of myself. Besides, they have really old, green cereal bowls that I swear make the milk taste funny.

Chapter Five, in which I go in the toitey jar

One day in the summer Weirdo asked if I wanted to go the beach with his family. The beach was about forty miles away, so the drive to get there took almost an hour.

“Is your Uncle Jake coming?”

“No, he’s afraid of water.”

“Good. Is your sister coming?”

Weirdo nodded. I didn’t say it, but I was thinking good in my head. I developed quite a crush on Weirdo’s sister.

We all piled into the car. Weirdo sat between me and his sister, except that he was practically sitting on my lap.

"Scoot over."

"I can't. I can't cross the line."

"What line?"

"The one my sister drew."

I looked, and there was actually a line drawn on the seat marking the center line.

"What happens if you cross it?"

"Stick your hand across and find out."

I smirked at Weirdo as I reached my hand over him and crossed the line.

Weirdo's sister screamed at the top of her lungs. "Mooooooommmmmmm!!!!!"

I jerked my hand back just in time before their mom turned around and smacked at the center line with a fly swatter. Weirdo and I giggled quietly.

* * * * *

Weirdo's mom put a tape in the player and turned up the volume. Church songs came on and his mom and sister started singing. Weirdo’s mom put one hand out the window up in the air and held the other one lightly to her face. In between lines she said things like, “Thank you, my Jesus,” or “Power and glory belong to you,” or sometimes she’d just say “Mmmmm….” like she just ate something really tasty.

My family went to church, but I had never seen anybody do that before. I looked at Weirdo and he was rolling his eyes. I asked him if he forgot the words or something.

"No," he whispered to me, "my dad and I don't believe in god. We let my mom and sister listen to Jesus music as long as they don't ask us to go to church with them."

I don't think I ever knew anyone before who didn't believe in God. I thought about that for awhile as we drove, but soon realized I had to go pee really badly. I was holding it, but their car was just too bumpy. I asked Weirdo to ask his dad if we could pull over for a second because I had to pee.

Weirdo shouted over the singing to his dad, “Dad! Can we pull over to pee?”

His dad shouted back, “Just use the toity jar.”

Weirdo turned to me. “Yeah, you can use the toity jar.”

“The what?”

He reached under the back seat and pulled out an empty bottle and handed it to me.

“This is the toity jar? I’m supposed to pee in it?”

“Yeah. We keep empty jugs like that in the car for different stuff. That’s a toity jar because we drew a black X on the cap.”

I had a hard enough time peeing at a urinal in the school bathroom. I couldn't pee in a bottle on a bumpy road, especially with Weirdo’s sister sitting two feet away.

“Are you going to use it or not?”

I had to go really bad, and I don’t think I could have held it all the way to the beach. I turned as far away from his sister as possible and unscrewed the cap. I pulled my shorts down just far enough to pee into the bottle. The car hit a dip in the road and it made me miss the bottle and get some on my hand and the seat.

Weirdo saw and said, “Watch it now. Don’t miss.” When he said that he jabbed me with his elbow and made me miss the bottle again.

It helped to close my eyes and pretend I was all alone, but I had to keep a close eye on what I was doing. I finally finished and screwed the cap back on the bottle.

I handed it to Weirdo, but he pushed it away and said, “Nuh-uh, you fill it you hold it. That’s a car rule.”

So I held the bottle the rest of the way to the beach. It was a really warm bottle. When we got there I jumped out and emptied the bottle in the weeds, then put the bottle back under the seat.

* * * * *

We spent almost all day swimming and playing. The day was getting late so we all dried off and got back into the car. Weirdo’s mom went across the parking lot to a convenience store and bought a big bottle of Gatoraide for us all to share.

The bottle was being passed around and we all took big chugs from it. When it came to Weirdo’s sister she didn’t want to get any of our germs, so she reached under the seat and pulled out an empty bottle. She unscrewed the cap and poured some into it. She passed the big bottle to her mom and put the smaller one she just filled to her lips.

As she drank I wrinkled my face and said to Weirdo, “Isn’t that the toity jar?”

She heard me ask and said, “No, dork. The toity jar has a blue X. We only put a black X on the caps of bottles we save for drinking.”

“But I peed into one with a black X.”

Weirdo said quietly, “Oops.”

His sister’s face turned green, then blue, the green again. She tried to cover her mouth, but she threw up all over the backseat of the car. I used my beach towel to sheild it, but Weirdo and his sister both got a lap full.

We pulled over and everyone sat on the side of the road while their mom cleaned all the puke out of the backseat. She sang church songs as she cleaned, but instead of saying Jesus things between each line, she gagged.

I didn’t think Weirdo’s sister was very cute after that. And I made sure to relieve myself behind a tree before we got back in the car to drive home.