Chapter Thirteen - In which Uncle Jake buys an RV

One day in the summer I walked to Weirdo’s house and saw a big, junky RV sitting in his driveway. The parts that were supposed to be brown had turned orange, and the parts that were supposed to be white had turned brown. The screens on the windows were ripped, and somebody made a rainbow on one corner with spray paint.

As I walked up the driveway Uncle Jake burst from the creeky door on the RV and skipped into Weirdo’s house. Weirdo came out of the RV a second later.

“Why is Uncle Jake so happy today?”

“Because he finally got his own place.”

“You mean he’s moving out?”

“Kind of. He just bought this RV and he’s going to live in it.”

“Where is he going to move it?”

“Nowhere, he’s going to keep it here in the driveway.”

Uncle Jake came out of the house whistling and holding a white plastic bag.

“Come on kids,” he said in the happiest voice I had ever heard him speak in before. “I have a house warming present for all of us.”

We followed him into the RV. It was so hot inside that I instantly started sweating. Uncle Jake slid open the windows and plugged in a small fan.

“Now careful, kids. I tried to sweep all the mouse poop out, but there still some under the cabinet there.”

I looked to where he pointed and saw a small opening beneath a counter and shuddered to think of all the dust and mouse poop underneath there. Weirdo and I sat at the rickety table near the door and waited to see what was in the plastic bag. Uncle Jake sat down with us and dumped out three chocolate bars.

Weirdo and Uncle Jake promptly pulled theirs from the wrapper and licked the entire bar up and down. Then they set to taking huge bites. I unwrapped half of mine and took only a few bites before they had finished theirs. Uncle Jake reached for mine, and I pulled it away.

“You ate your’s. This one is mine.”

Weirdo also reached for mine and said, “But you didn’t lick it all the way. Whatever you haven’t licked belongs to anybody.”

I quickly unwrapped the rest of mine and went to lick it when Uncle Jake tried to snatch it from me. He accidentally knocked the bar from my hand and it flew onto the floor, sliding beneath the counter.

Uncle Jake lept from the table and reached his hand beneath the counter. Suddenly he stopped and opened his eyes real wide.

“What do we have here?”

Uncle Jake pulled a small dusty box from beneath the counter and placed it on the table. We gathered around closely and stared at the box.

“What do you think it is, Uncle Jake?”

“Well, it could be anything? Whoever owned this sweet RV before me must have forgotten this under there.”

I said that maybe it was filled with rubies. Weirdo and Uncle Jake laughed at me. Weirdo put his ear to it.

“I think I can hear a voice in there. Do you think there could be a fairy in there?”

Uncle Jake listened.

“I don’t hear anything. If there’s a fairy in there, it’s probably dead.”

I suggested that they open it to see. Uncle Jake blew the dust off the top and very carefully opened the lid.

“Dear sweet Jesus, would you look at these.” Uncle Jake put his fingers in the box and lifted out an old set of dentures. We were in awe.

“Just think of some old geezer riding across the country in this RV, couldn’t remember where he put his teeth,” Unlce Jake said looking back and forth between Weirdo and me. “Now he’s probably laying dead in his grave wondering where his teeth are.”

While Weirdo and Uncle Jake marvelled at the false teeth, I went to the corner where there was a tiny bathroom. I slid the accordian door open and squeezed myself in. It was so small in there I could barely get my pants undone.

When I finished and came out of the bathroom Uncle Jake stared at me.

“What did you just do in there?”

“I went pee.”

“Why did you go in there of all places?”

“Because it’s a toilet.”

“Yeah, a toilet that doesn’t work! Oh great, guess what now?”

“What?”

“Weirdo, go inside and get some paper towels. We have to soak your friend’s pee out of my toilet.”



* * * * *



When we finished soaking all my pee out of the toilet Uncle Jake told us to leave because he wanted to take a nap in his new pad. It was still boiling inside the RV so I was glad to leave. Weirdo and I went and played in his backyard for awhile. When I was ready to go home Weirdo asked me if I wanted to spend the night in the RV.

“Uncle Jake is spending the night at his friend’s house tonight and he said we could sleep in the RV.”

It may have been dusty, broken down and full of mouse poop, but it sure sounded like fun. I went home for dinner and came back later in the evening with my sleeping bag. We played for long while outside, and when it was very dark we went into the RV. It was still like an oven, but was bearable with the fan blowing right on us.

The box with the dentures in it was sitting on the table. We sat at the table and opened the box to look at the teeth again.

“Go ahead, take them out.”

“Your Uncle Jake won’t mind?”

“Heck no. He won’t care.”

I picked up the teeth and looked at them closely. I almost dropped them when I heard a voice outside on the street.

“Weirdo, who was that?”

“I don’t know. What did they say?”

“I didn’t hear.”

It didn’t sound like some person talking. It sounded like somebody moaned. Then we heard it again, but louder.

“Whooooo haaaaassss myyyyyyy teeeeeeth?”

Weirdo and I stared at each other, frozen. The voice came closer, maybe at the beginning of the driveway, I wasn’t sure.

“Whooooo haaaaaassss myyyyyyy teeeeeeth?”

“They want their teeth, Weirdo. Are these their teeth?”

Weirdo shrugged his shoulders and bit on his tongue. He looked more scared than I was.

There was a knock on the far end of the RV.

“Doooooo yoooouuuuu haaaaaaave myyyyyyy teeeeeeeeth?”

There was a knock at the middle of the RV.

“Doooooo yooooouuuuu haaaaaaaave theeemmmmmm?”

A rattle at the door.

“I waaaaaaaaaant myyyyyyyy teeeeeeeeth!”

I stood up and threw the teeth under the counter where Uncle Jake found them earlier.

“I don’t have your teeth. I put them back! I don’t want them! Leave us alone!”

The door shook, someone moaned. Weirdo and I backed away. Weirdo said he peed his pants a little. I looked and there was a dark spot on the front of his shorts.

The door shook again and it opened! Uncle Jake burst through the door holding his belly and laughing. Weirdo fell over holding his belly and laughing too.

“Oh, we got you good. Oh, so good. Weirdo, that was good, peeing your pants a little. Just like I told you to.”

I couldn’t help it. I laughed too. I felt silly to be joked on like that, but I was relieved.

Uncle Jake went over to the cabinet and got on his knees. He reached under it to find the teeth, but he stopped and a strange look came over his face. He pulled his hand out slowly and held it up in the light.

Uncle Jake began wimpering as we all looked at the dark substance covering the side of his hand and running down his wrist. He made an awful face and cried, “Ewww, what is it?”

Weirdo grabbed his arm and looked closely. He sniffed at the stuff, then licked it lightly. Weirdo’s eyes lit up.

“It’s the chocoate bar we forgot beneath the counter! It’s melted like chocolate syrup. Awesome!”

Weirdo and Uncle Jake fell to their knees and reached beneath the counter. They repeatedly dipped their fingers in the melted chocolate and licked them clean.

“Mmmm,” Uncle Jake said, “I didn’t know I bought you a crunch bar.”

I thought for a moment, then said, “You didn’t.”

“Then why is this so crunchy?”

We all realized it at the same time, and in unison shouted, “Mouse poop!”

Weirdo and Uncle Jake ran to the tiny bathroom in the corner of the RV and puked into the toilet. They finished gagging and slid to the floor with their backs against the dirty brown wall, laughing and sighing.

I asked Uncle Jake if his toilet was still broken. He closed his eyes and banged the back of his head against the wall a few times.

“Weirdo, do you favorite uncle a favor. Go get the paper towels.”

We slept in Weirdo’s room that night.