Chapter Four, in which I meet Weirdo's Uncle Jake

I started spending a lot of time at Weirdo’s house. It was only a few blocks from my house so my mom would let me get off at Weirdo’s stop everyday if I came home in time for dinner.

One of the first times I played there was rainy day so we stayed inside to watch after-school cartoons. Weirdo showed me the basement were they had a big TV and nice cozy sofa you could sink into.

We ran down the stairs eager to turn the TV on, but it was already on. There was a guy sleeping on the sofa with jeans on but no shirt or socks. He had long hair, and it looked like he hadn’t taken a bath in days.

I whispered to Weirdo, “Who’s that?”

“That’s my Uncle Jake. He’s really cool. He plays in a rock and roll band called Something Like a Dragon. They’re really good.”

Uncle Jake stirred a bit on the sofa and pulled his bag of pretzel sticks closer to him. There was an old karate movie on the TV. Weirdo and I watched for about two minutes, then he walked to the TV and turned the channel.

“Eh, I was watching that.” Uncle Jake stuck his hand in the pretzel bag and yawned. “Turn it back now, Weirdo.”

“We thought you were asleep. Sorry, Uncle Jake.” Weirdo changed the channel back to where it was. We watched it for a minute more until we heard Uncle Jake snoring. He was laying face down on the sofa with one arm sagging onto the floor.

Weirdo said, “Watch this,” and he turned the channel on the TV.

“Turn it back!. Do I have to kill your goldfish?”

“Sorry, Uncle Jake.”

Weirdo turned the channel back and Uncle Jake rolled onto his back, where he quickly fell asleep again.

“Watch this.” Weirdo quietly took some pretzel sticks from the bag and placed them carefully up Uncle Jake’s nose. He stuck a few between his lips, one coming out of each ear and balanced a few on his forehead.

I didn’t want to be around if Uncle Jake woke up. He didn’t seem very friendly. I stood back in the corner as Weirdo went to the TV and changed the channel.

Uncle Jake groaned, “For the love of all things that rock, turn the cha…what the?” He put his hand to his face and felt at the pretzel sticks in his mouth. He looked down and saw the ones coming out his nose, and when he did that the pretzels on his forehead rolled off onto his chest.

“How in the… where did…” Uncle Jake put a few of the sticks in his mouth and chewed them. Then he said to Weirdo, “Hey, do your favorite Uncle a favor and make sure there’s another bag of pretzels in my room, because I plan on finishing this bag around 4:20 and I’m gonna need replacements. And keep your nasty little fingers off that TV.”

Weirdo changed the channel back and Uncle Jake rolled away from the TV to his side and started snoring again. He never found the pretzels in his ears. Weirdo and I were laughing so hard it hurt.

“Now watch this,” Weirdo said with a big smile. He stood up on the sofa with a leg on each side of Uncle Jake. Weirdo started jumping up and down on the sofa. Uncle Jake didn’t move a muscle. Weirdo kept jumping and yelled, “Uncle Jake has a brain that’s fake! Uncle Jake has a brain that’s fake!” Uncle Jake was hopelessly asleep.

From all that jumping Uncle Jake rolled onto his back. Weirdo picked up Uncle Jake’s halfway empty can of grape soda and poured it out onto the front of his pants. Uncle Jake never flinched. He just laid there looking like he just peed a big purple river in his pants.

“Come on,” Weirdo said, “let’s just go upstairs and watch TV.”

“You mean you had a TV upstairs this whole time? Why didn’t we just go watch that one?”

“Because,” Weirdo rolled his eyes, “that one doesn’t have a remote.”

“Well neither does this one.”

“Yes it does. Uncle Jake is laying on it.”