Chapter Five, in which I go in the toitey jar

One day in the summer Weirdo asked if I wanted to go the beach with his family. The beach was about forty miles away, so the drive to get there took almost an hour.

“Is your Uncle Jake coming?”

“No, he’s afraid of water.”

“Good. Is your sister coming?”

Weirdo nodded. I didn’t say it, but I was thinking good in my head. I developed quite a crush on Weirdo’s sister.

We all piled into the car. Weirdo sat between me and his sister, except that he was practically sitting on my lap.

"Scoot over."

"I can't. I can't cross the line."

"What line?"

"The one my sister drew."

I looked, and there was actually a line drawn on the seat marking the center line.

"What happens if you cross it?"

"Stick your hand across and find out."

I smirked at Weirdo as I reached my hand over him and crossed the line.

Weirdo's sister screamed at the top of her lungs. "Mooooooommmmmmm!!!!!"

I jerked my hand back just in time before their mom turned around and smacked at the center line with a fly swatter. Weirdo and I giggled quietly.

* * * * *

Weirdo's mom put a tape in the player and turned up the volume. Church songs came on and his mom and sister started singing. Weirdo’s mom put one hand out the window up in the air and held the other one lightly to her face. In between lines she said things like, “Thank you, my Jesus,” or “Power and glory belong to you,” or sometimes she’d just say “Mmmmm….” like she just ate something really tasty.

My family went to church, but I had never seen anybody do that before. I looked at Weirdo and he was rolling his eyes. I asked him if he forgot the words or something.

"No," he whispered to me, "my dad and I don't believe in god. We let my mom and sister listen to Jesus music as long as they don't ask us to go to church with them."

I don't think I ever knew anyone before who didn't believe in God. I thought about that for awhile as we drove, but soon realized I had to go pee really badly. I was holding it, but their car was just too bumpy. I asked Weirdo to ask his dad if we could pull over for a second because I had to pee.

Weirdo shouted over the singing to his dad, “Dad! Can we pull over to pee?”

His dad shouted back, “Just use the toity jar.”

Weirdo turned to me. “Yeah, you can use the toity jar.”

“The what?”

He reached under the back seat and pulled out an empty bottle and handed it to me.

“This is the toity jar? I’m supposed to pee in it?”

“Yeah. We keep empty jugs like that in the car for different stuff. That’s a toity jar because we drew a black X on the cap.”

I had a hard enough time peeing at a urinal in the school bathroom. I couldn't pee in a bottle on a bumpy road, especially with Weirdo’s sister sitting two feet away.

“Are you going to use it or not?”

I had to go really bad, and I don’t think I could have held it all the way to the beach. I turned as far away from his sister as possible and unscrewed the cap. I pulled my shorts down just far enough to pee into the bottle. The car hit a dip in the road and it made me miss the bottle and get some on my hand and the seat.

Weirdo saw and said, “Watch it now. Don’t miss.” When he said that he jabbed me with his elbow and made me miss the bottle again.

It helped to close my eyes and pretend I was all alone, but I had to keep a close eye on what I was doing. I finally finished and screwed the cap back on the bottle.

I handed it to Weirdo, but he pushed it away and said, “Nuh-uh, you fill it you hold it. That’s a car rule.”

So I held the bottle the rest of the way to the beach. It was a really warm bottle. When we got there I jumped out and emptied the bottle in the weeds, then put the bottle back under the seat.

* * * * *

We spent almost all day swimming and playing. The day was getting late so we all dried off and got back into the car. Weirdo’s mom went across the parking lot to a convenience store and bought a big bottle of Gatoraide for us all to share.

The bottle was being passed around and we all took big chugs from it. When it came to Weirdo’s sister she didn’t want to get any of our germs, so she reached under the seat and pulled out an empty bottle. She unscrewed the cap and poured some into it. She passed the big bottle to her mom and put the smaller one she just filled to her lips.

As she drank I wrinkled my face and said to Weirdo, “Isn’t that the toity jar?”

She heard me ask and said, “No, dork. The toity jar has a blue X. We only put a black X on the caps of bottles we save for drinking.”

“But I peed into one with a black X.”

Weirdo said quietly, “Oops.”

His sister’s face turned green, then blue, the green again. She tried to cover her mouth, but she threw up all over the backseat of the car. I used my beach towel to sheild it, but Weirdo and his sister both got a lap full.

We pulled over and everyone sat on the side of the road while their mom cleaned all the puke out of the backseat. She sang church songs as she cleaned, but instead of saying Jesus things between each line, she gagged.

I didn’t think Weirdo’s sister was very cute after that. And I made sure to relieve myself behind a tree before we got back in the car to drive home.