Weirdo’s family pulled in front of my house and honked the horn. Weirdo ran up to my house and rang the doorbell. All this even though I was sitting in a lawn chair in the driveway.
When Weirdo finally saw me he said, “Didn’t you hear me ringing the doorbell?”
“No, because I was right here the whole time.”
“Well you make people wait. We have to get to the beach before it gets too crowded. Did you go toity?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
“Did you get any on you?”
“Shut up.”
Weirdo spit at me and got me in the leg. He laughed and said, “Oops, I got some toity on you!”
We got in the car and I told on him. His mom said, “Oh, a little spittle never hurt anybody.”
His sister chirped in, “At least he just got it on your leg and not all over the seat like you did when you couldn’t find the opening of the toity jar.”
Everybody laughed, except me. I wanted to get them all back somehow for this. I decided I would just get Weirdo back for now. I knew it was going to be a long ride, so I stopped swallowing and saved all my spit.
I just sat there quietly the whole ride. While they were all singing about how Jesus is the rock that never rolls, or something like that, my cheeks were growing larger. My throat was getting dry, but this would be worth it.
Finally we reached the beach. Everybody got out of the car and I met Weirdo face to face.
“What are you doing?” he demanded.
Kaplooey! I spewed an hour’s worth of spit onto Weirdo’s bare chest. I didn’t realize my cheeks could hold so much. The spit covered his entire upper chest and ran down to his belly and into his shorts.
Weirdo stood there in shock. He looked up at me with eyes that said ‘what did I ever do to you?’ Then he screamed like a little girl and ran for the water.
* * * * *
We had a great time swimming. After Weirdo washed all the spit off he acted like he forgot about the whole thing. It started getting late so we dried off and got back in the car.
Weirdo was extremely quiet on the way home. Even when the rest of them were singing he didn’t yell NO like he usually does when the devil threatens to blow out the little light of his.
I began to notice his cheeks getting bigger. Then I knew what he was up to. I watched him nervously, and he sat there looking straight ahead. Those cheeks were getting bigger and bigger.
We were almost home and I was very worried. I knew what would be coming as soon as we got out of the car. And I wouldn’t have the luxury of jumping in the lake to wash off like he did.
His dad rounded the corner to our neighborhood. In just a few moments I would be drowning in Weirdo’s spit. He had much more cheek space than I did.
We came to Weirdo’s house. I was ready to make a run for it before the car even stopped moving. But his dad turned too sharply into the driveway and the tires on the right side ran off the road and up into the driveway. The car bounced hard, causing Weirdo to choke on some of his spit. I saw his cheeks clench. His eyes looked very worried. Weirdo held his hand to his mouth, but it was too late. He couldn’t hold it any longer.
A gallon of spit gushed forward from Weirdo’s mouth onto the back of the front seat, the back of his mom and dad’s head and all down his own chest into his lap. His sister and I burst into laughter. His dad turned around and yelled, “What in spit’s name?”
Even though there was no danger of getting caught in Weirdo’s spit storm anymore, I still got out of the car quickly and rushed home. At least I was dry.
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